a + b, waiting for c

Checking in

2011-07-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

Hello!!!! I just wanted to check in (thanks for the reminder Oak) and share a quick pic of the girls. We're doing great, although very busy and dealing with extremely spotty internet service at our lake house. No excuse, I know, but I hope when things settle down and I'm back at work, I'll have more time to blog and re-engage with the blogging world. I do read all your posts on my phone, I just can't comment. Miss you all and hope everyone is doing well :)

Summer days

2011-06-05T22:26:00.004-05:00

It finally feels like summer here in Chicago.

The girls and I are enjoying every second.

Happy June everyone :)

This is your life

2011-05-31T22:59:00.003-05:00

A friend once told me that you lose a little bit of yourself when you have a child. It's true. You have to lose a bit of yourself to make room for the enormous love that takes over your being. I knew life would be different, of course, but one of the most surprising things about motherhood to me is accepting that I have to redefine myself. Before my daughters were born, I was defined by many things...a wife, daughter, friend...my job, tennis, music...and for about a year, I felt like I was nothing but my infertility.

Every single day I think about how things could be so very different and how blessed I am to have my delicious baby girls. I thank my lucky stars more than you can imagine. Yet despite being completely over-the-moon to be where I am today, it's an adjustment.

As the girls and I trek around the city every day, I can't help but feel a little bit lonely and lost in the world. Sure, everyone smiles at me and stops me to ask Are they twins? Are they identical? Do twins run in your family? How old are they? I am so, so, so proud to be their mama, but this new role still seems so foreign. I feel like I barely know these beautiful beings, so how is it that I am their mother? How on earth can I be responsible for things so perfect and precious? Why do I deserve this while so many other still struggle? And how do I not screw it up?

I know everyone doubts their abilities as parents at times and it's ok to feel this way, but do any of you struggle with finding yourself as a mother? Perhaps this is what they call survivors guilt?

Three months!

2011-05-24T20:55:00.006-05:00

The girls are three months today!! The past 12 weeks have contained some of the longest days of my life, yet somehow the months are just flying by! The girls are getting so big and are such a joy. It's easy to always look forward to the "next" phase and I have to stop myself and enjoy each every moment with the girls. They are growing up so fast :)

Ar.den

Ar.den is a big girl weighing over 11.5 lbs! She is long and lean and the smily-est baby you've ever seen. She is such a good natured baby and is usually in a mellow, yet cheerful, mood. She is such a doll - and she giggled for the first time last week. Pat-a-cake was just hilarious to her. AHHHH...melts my heart...

Elo.ise

Little Elo.ise is a bit behind her sister at 10.5 lbs, but she's growing! She is our chubby little dumpling with the fattest cheeks ever. She is quite smiley these days, but she definitely has her moments and I still spend much of the time bouncing, rocking, snuggling her to keep her calm...because when she gets mad...she gets MAD! It's 0 to 60 with this girl. She keeps us on our toes and keep us laughing.

Twin Must-Haves

2011-05-20T20:48:00.008-05:00

Piggy-backing of Egg's super helpful post for twin mamas to be (I agree whole heartedly agree with everything), here are my additions, plus a few random postpartum thoughts.

Zulily and Gilt Groupe...these website have great deals on clothes, and when you're buying two of everything, steals on designer clothes are great! I've found a ton of reeeeeeally cute stuff for the girls and it's much easier than shopping in stores and boutiques because in-store they rarely have two of the same size on the sale rack. They also have maternity clothes!

Bottle props...one of the only good things about the NICU was that the girls came home on the same schedule and eating a decent amount at each feeding. Although we have stretched the three hour increments much longer (8 hours at night!!!), we still feed both babies at the same time. Since I'm often alone for a feeding, these have become invaluable! I plop the babies in their car seats and get them started on their bottles while I tidy up, prep the next bottles, etc. etc. They are a major time saver! (side note: these are awesome, but nothing beats snuggling your little one while feeding, even when just giving them a bottle...which is always what I do when someone else is around to take the other baby...bottle props are for solo feedings only)

Night nurse...yeah, I thought it was frivilous, too...until I talked to a few twin mamas who all said that having help at night is a must. Could we have done it alone? Yeah. Would we be cranky, exhausted, and short tempered? Hell yeah. Would our marriage have suffered? Probably. Am I a better mom because I'm well rested? Yep. It's expensive, no doubt, but honestly I would have had no problem trading in a bunch of other crap we have for the extra help. She came for 10 hours per night, three times a week for the first few weeks and then twice a week, then once a week. She loved our girls so much and was so sweet with them...plus she gave us some great tips that we never learned in any of our classes (A+D ointment for stubborn diaper rash, towels under the mattress for reflux, letting Ouiser burp twice during a feeding, etc. etc.) My MIL paid for our night nurse as a baby gift - it is the best gift we received! So if you can make it work, do it!

Postpartum...you won't want to wear your maternity shirts - they hug your belly and you will look pregnant, which you don't want to do anymore! But you probably won't fit your pre-preggo clothes either. Stock up on some cheap-o blousy tops that you think you'll wear even when you're back in shape, but flatter your postpartum figure. I love these babydoll-style tanks for my workouts these days!

Oh, and a few posts back I asked for sports bra recommendations and went out and bought the Tata Tamer at Lululemon...SOOOOO perfect for taming my huge ta-tas...I wouldn't be able to run without it!

Lastly, if I could re-do one gear-related thing, it would be to forgo the expensive cribs. We bought pretty pricey cribs at Gi.ggle while my parents bought cribs from Wal.mart for their house in Wisconsin. Honestly? They are really similar and the Gi.ggle cribs cost more than 6 times the Wal.mart ones. Sure, the Gi.ggle cribs convert from the bassinet to a full crib, but we could have easily made do with the Fisher Price swings discussed in Egg's post and a full size crib. Lesson learned! :)

Doctors and more doctors...

2011-05-17T22:38:00.004-05:00

Two different doctors in two days for two special little girls.

Ar.den saw a pediatric dermatologist on Monday for a spot on her head that has concerned me since she was born. It started out as a blue-ish/gray spot on her head with three small moles on it. The NICU docs kept asking me if they used a vacuum in the delivery since it looked like a big bruise. Considering she was a breech c-section, I find it highly unlikely that they used a vacuum on her head! No one seemed concerned and the spot faded after a few weeks. But the hair in that area is very dark and very thick and the three small moles are still there. So on the urging of a friend of mine whose daughter had a similar issue, I took Ar.den to a renowned pediatric dermatologist who immediately told us that she would have to have the entire area surgically removed. Apparently the whole area is one big mole and the three smaller moles are just part of the large one :( Poor girl!!!! It breaks my heart to put her through the surgery (likely around 8 months), but without it, she has a 10% chance of developing melanoma in that area. And since it's on her scalp, it would be nearly impossible to monitor since her hair will cover it. So there is no question that the right thing is to get rid of it and remove the risk. Unfortunately due to the size of the area, they will need to insert a skin expander to grow enough skin to cover the area they are removing. We have a consult with a plastic surgeon at the end of the summer to discuss the plan of treatment. And, in the meantime, she needs an MRI to rule out that any of the pigment cells are in her brain and spinal fluid (please, please, please, please let her not be in that tiny minority that has this complication).

In a much easier and better-news appointment, my little El.oise is climbing the growth chart! She didn't gain much weight between her 1 month and 2 month appointments and fell in the growth chart from the 5th to 2nd percentile, so the doc started her on Zantac and wanted her to come in for a weight check today. She gained over an ounce a day and is now in the 10th percentile non-adjusted!!! Gooooo El.oise!! She tipped the scales at 10.5 lbs. Her sister is a CHUNK at 11.5lbs! Anyway, we were very pleased that our little girl is gaining weight and the Zantac is helping her eat more and keep more down.

I'm pretty bummed about learning that Ar.den needs this surgery for the birthmark, but I'm encouraged that we are taking care of this so early in her life that she won't even remember it and have no worries about developing skin cancer from this later on in life. Plus, we live near an excellent children's hospital with the very best specialists for this kind of thing. And now I'm going to forget about it until the process begins in about 3 months!

New beginning

2011-05-15T21:29:00.004-05:00

Hi friends. Mel's post really struck a chord with me as I've been struggling with my blog. Not just the name, which makes no sense anymore, but where I am as a blogger. It's weird. When I was going through infertility treatments it was easy for me to blog about every minute detail of the process. And at the same time it was easy for me to blog about the ins and outs of my daily life. Writing about both was so cathartic and you all have been so amazing and supportive!! When I got pregnant, suddenly my posts were just updates about my pregnancy...which was natural considering nearly every weekly appointment led to a trip to triage or a stay in the hospital. It was certainly an eventful 35 weeks! Now as I navigate the waters of early motherhood (to twins!!) I worry that I'll bore you with my journal of thoughts, which tend to be very scattered these days. But like Mel said: Reflect what is in the forefront of their mind at the moment, rather than start a new blog for each new stage of life/idea.

So here is my attempt at a new beginning. A more consistent blogger who will share the joys and woes of twin parenthood. I don't know what the future of my blog's name is...somehow I just can't let go of A+B, Waiting for C. Like Mel said, it's a part of who I am.

AHHHHHHH....the girls are awesome! Really, they are such joys in our lives and we love them so very, very much. But it is hard. Harder than I ever thought and way more exhausting. Here is a snapshot of where we stand on our daily routine (the girls are almost 12 weeks!!):

Eating: I nurse 1-2 times per day, and usually only if B or my mom is around to help. It just breaks my heart when I'm nursing one and the other is crying, so it works best when someone else is around to distract/comfort the one not eating. The problem is, I really love nursing (now that my thrush has cleared up...but that's another story for another day...and you all should pray to the bo.ob gods that you never get thrush. It. Sucks.) Nursing feels so much better than pumping and it's such a special bond. Plus, I know I produce more milk by breast feeding than pumping. I guess it's just one of the sacrifices us twin moms have to make, and that's ok. I tried tandem nursing, but it just never worked for us.

So most of the time I'm pumping and bottle feeding and we supplement with formula. I calculated that I'd need to produce 60 ounces per day to exclusively provide breast milk, which just isn't happening. I get anywhere from 6-12 oz per pumping and pump about 5 times per day.

Sleeping: YESSSSSS! We had a break through about two weeks ago and the babies started sleeping 7-9 hours at night (which thankfully coincided with our night nanny going to Jamaica for an extended trip)!! I read both Babywise and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins and I suppose we're using a combo of the two methods in sleep training. We let the babies cry for 5 minutes, check/soothe/replace pacifier/rub tummy/etc., let cry for 10 minutes, repeat soothe process, let cry for 15 minutes, and so on. Usually we only get to 10 minutes before they fall asleep and then they stay asleep until 5-6 am. B and I are loving being able to sleep in the same bed again for these long stretches without shelling out $15/hour for a night nanny :)

Napping is another story and I am utterly failing at setting a schedule. The girls nap great on walks, in the car, in the swing, but any time I try to put them down for a formal nap, it fails miserably and they get super crabby and fussy. I'm hoping in the next month or so we can establish a better daytime routine. Right now it's a free-for-all!

Personalities: These girls are so different! Ar.den is really dominant and active and generally a very easy going baby. She gulps down her bottle, burps (loudly!) and happily stares at her toys and smiles at me and B. El.oise is our little fuss-pot. She is definitely the cuddly one and likes to be held or rocked in the swing constantly. The poor thing has acid reflux and is uncomfortable a lot of the time. We started her on Zantac a few weeks ago, and it's helped significantly, but she's still more high maintenance than her sister. Having twins is so interesting because you can't help but constantly compare them...not in a bad way, but it's just so easy to notice the differences in temperament!

Life in General: Life is good! I took a 6 month leave from work, so I still have over three months left of maternity leave. My parents have a house in Wisconsin, so my plan is to spend about 50% of the time there...hanging at the pool and beach with the babies, taking our monster BOB stroller around the hilly countryside, maybe a little tennis for me and golf for B - thank goodness for grandparents! I'm struggling a bit with my post-pregnancy body. I really though I'd be back in shape by now, but it's taking a long time (which is NOT helped by my constant eating...breast feeding makes me starving). I guess I need to step up the exercise, but it's hard to find the time/energy to work out these days!

Sorry for the novel my friends! That is about 10 posts in one...and I will try to post more often because it really feels so good to get this all out.

This is my life. This is my diary. This is my blog.

PS I read all of your blogs - but often from my phone while feeding/burping/cuddling a baby - so I don't always comment. But I am cheering, crying, praying, and celebrating with you all.

Just photos

2011-05-08T21:53:00.006-05:00

Hello there! Just a quick post to say hi and sorry for being such a bad blogger. As you can probably imagine, life is a little hectic right now :) But all is well and needless to say today was a lovely day. Here are some of the latest pictures.

Ar.den

El.oise

Ar.den

2 months!

2011-04-24T14:22:00.005-05:00

{Ar.den on the left, El.oise on the right...they are almost 3/4 of a pound apart now!}

{Ar.den aka "Miss A"}

{Elo.ise aka "Ouiser"}

Hard to believe the girls are two months today!! They are growing every day and so alert and responsive. Their smiles just melt my heart and our bond grows deeper every day. I've noticed lately that everyone comments on how happy I am. It's not a compliment I ever received before the girls were born, but now it seems everyone, from my family to friends to the woman who did my facial yesterday comments "A, you seem SO happy." It's a good, good feeling.

I turned the big 3-0 yesterday. I woke up to kisses from my girls and hubs. Then my mom and I headed to the spa for some serious R&R. It was fabulous! Then a surprise luncheon arranged by my mom with some of my favorite girls (dear Egg included!). After that it was home for a quick nap then out again with B, who gave me a beautiful amethyst necklace (the girls' birthstone) and ANOTHER surprise party...this time dinner with friends at a French restaurant. It was a good, good day and every time I blew out the candles I thought "I have nothing to wish for anymore." :)

Time to get serious

2011-04-12T21:04:00.005-05:00

I had my 6 week post-op appointment on Monday. Everything looks good...I talked to my Dr. about birth control/future pregnancy. She strongly discouraged trying to get pregnant for at least a year. My pregnancy did quite a job on my body and she said I need time to heal to avoid potential complications in future pregnancies. It's not that I want to get pregnant so soon, but knowing my low ovarian reserve, I just can't see myself preventing pregnancy, you know? She gave me a prescription for the "mini-pill" and told me to start trying again in a year. It's not that I want to get pregnant so soon, but knowing my low ovarian reserve, I just can't see myself preventing pregnancy, you know? But I filled the prescription anyway. When it came time to take the pill this morning, I couldn't do it. I stared at the pills, fiddled with the packaging, and just couldn't take the damn thing. So we're leaving things to chance...knowing that it is highly unlikely that I'll have an "oops" pregnancy (1, I'm breast feeding and 2, I have crappy eggs).

ANYWAY, the point of this post is to mark my return to working out!! After 8 weeks of bed rest and 6 weeks of c-section recovery, my body is mush. Seriously, my belly shakes like a jello mold. It's disgusting. I've lost 45 of the 50 pounds I gained, but I look nasty and flabby and I'm still a good 15 pounds away from my pre-IF weight. So I've got some work to do.

I went on my first jog/trot this evening! It took two tries. I put on an old sports bra and made it about 2 blocks when I looked down in horror. My bo.obs had escaped underneath my sports bra and were hanging out! They were flopping around and you could see my huge ni.pples poking through my shirt. It was NOT pretty, and very embarrassing considering I was running on a major street in Chicago during rush hour. I hung my head and turned around to head back home, taking a deserted side street to avoid the lookers. I got home, lifted up my shirt to show B the massive failure of my first running attempt. He laughed. So did I. At least I can find humor in the sad state of my body.

I found my most supportive nursing bra, and put on my tightest sports bra over it. My bo.obs were now secure enough to try again, although still massive and hurty and porn-star-esque as I ran. I made it about 20 minutes at a sloooooow pace, but it felt so refreshing to be outside and getting some exercise again!

If anyone has any recommendations for good sports bras for huge painful breast feeding bo.obs, please let me know! But this girl is back in business and hopefully will soon have the body to prove it!

6 weeks

2011-04-10T21:31:00.004-05:00

I can't believe the girls are six weeks old! They are as beautiful and wonderful and amazing as ever. They really do look a lot alike, but its easy for us to tell them apart, plus their personalities are so different! Ar.den (Ting, for those of you who were wondering) is so active and always has her hands and feet in the air or her tongue out! El.oise (Ling) is a snuggle bug and is such a little lady - she clasps her hands at her chest when nursing. It just melts my heart. I stare at them all day every day, in pure wonder.

PS thanks for all your comments on my last post and for making me feel less crazy! Love you guys.

Ar.den

El.oise

Ar.den

What the future holds

2011-04-04T22:34:00.005-05:00

Life is good...and I'm not lying this time (no scary test results hanging over my head, promise!) The girls are growing and finally getting a bit of chub on them. They are sweet, sweet babies and so much fun, except around 3 am! They're sleeping a bit longer and we've gone as long as 4.5 hours in a stretch. Breast feeding is going well. I only nurse about once a day due to the logistical challenges of breast feeding twins. Basically someone needs to be there to soothe one baby while I nurse the other, then burp and change the one that just nursed while I nurse twin 2. It's quite a process. The rest of the time, I pump and and bottle feed and we're also supplementing a bit with formula to help the girls gain weight. So far, so good.

I've been trying really hard to not let my mind go here, but I can't help it. I miss being pregnant. Which is weird considering I had a pretty textbook horrible pregnancy, from morning sickness to pre-term labor, from pre-eclampsia to endometritis. But I loved being pregnant. I have this yearning for my big belly, those baby kicks, and the absolute awe of my body doing something so miraculous. I feel crazy, but I think we will want to try for #3. Maybe it's wacky postpartum hormones at work, because I really only thought I wanted ONE child, let alone three! But I can't shake the desire to continue to grow our family.

Of course this new revelation is causing me some stress. I have terribly low AMH and likely have very little time to conceive with my own eggs. We tried "naturally" for over two years with no luck. It took a shitload of Follistim to get me to produce enough follicles for an IUI. Future IUIs are out of the question due to the chance of multiples, so we'd have to do IVF with single embryo transfers...which I reeeeeeally don't want to do. I'd like to avoid any more fertility treatments if at all possible.

So I guess we'll wait a bit and then try on our own. Maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe my body now "knows" what to do. Maybe with some time I'll realize that our family of four is complete. Maybe secondary infertility will hurt more than I can even imagine. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, let alone sharing my shamefully selfish thoughts with all of you. I worry that I sound unappreciative of the beautiful gifts I already have. But I assure you, I am very, very thankful for my beautiful girls and no matter what, my dreams have come true.

Forgive me for my silly, postpartum ramblings.

Life

2011-03-29T10:59:00.006-05:00

Thanks for all your kind comments of support on my last post. It was an awful 10 days of waiting and wondering, and I'm just so glad that drama (plus the NICU, horrible c-section complications, etc. etc.) is over. I'm settling into life with these two beautiful girls.

We have a TON of help. My mom comes over almost every day, often letting me catch some sleep while she watches the girls since I do the night shift every night so B gets enough sleep for work (I'm off work until September). And three nights a week we have a night nurse for 10 hours, which has been amazing.

I wish the weather were warmer so we could have more outings, and I tend to feel very cooped up being inside all day every day. Especially since I'm no longer on bed rest or sick from the infection, I am so ready to get moving! I cherish the little outings I take to Starbucks or Whole Foods when my mom is here to watch the girls. Just a breath of fresh air feels so good (although cold these days!) I can't wait for my 6-week post-op appointment and hopefully get the all clear to resume exercise. I keep having dreams about jogging along the lake path. I am literally dying to get back into shape. My muscles are soft and saggy from 8 weeks of bed rest + c-section recovery. I'm still a bit sore from the surgery and have some funky nerve pain, and I know it is going to be a loooooooon time before I'm back in fighting form, but I can't wait to get started, hopefully coinciding with nice weather for long walks around the neighborhood with the girls.

Here are a few of the latest pictures - I can't believe they're a month old!

{Eloise}

{Ar.den}

I lied...

2011-03-24T20:23:00.004-05:00

So I know my latest posts have made our lives seem nothing but sunshine and roses. But that's not entirely true. Yes, I have been on cloud nine and so madly in love with my girls, but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I've had a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach the past two weeks.

It all started when our pediatrician called. She informed me that both Ar.den and El.oise had an abnormal result on their newborn screen. I vaguely knew about the newborn screening...that they pricked babies' heels to check for things like cystic fibrosis and other genetic diseases. As I now have learned, the state of Illinois also tests for about 50 extremely rare genetic metabolic disorders. And my daughters tested positive for one of them. The screen came back positive for an "organic acid disorder." The pediatrician told me to make an appointment with a genetic metabolic specialist ASAP. I think a piece of me died inside that second.

I immediately started googling frantically and got more and more worked up. I started hyperventilating, sobbing, I thought I was going to puke. What I read online told me that organic acid disorders can cause developmental delays, muscle weakness, seizures, coma, and sometimes death. B put on a brave face and told me that we wouldn't assume anything until we'd met with the doctor and gotten some more answers. I couldn't emotionally or physically deal with this. My mind just shut down. I went into survival mode and just denied I'd even received the call.

The next day, going through the motions, I made the appointment with the specialist for later that week. The same day, a genetic counselor called me to discuss the screening results. As it turns out, the NICU had retested both girls and they'd tested positive both times for the same disorder. However, the counselor also reassured me that many children with this disorder have no symptoms and never have any side effects of the disorder. That reassurance fell on deaf ears and I continued to just deny, deny, deny.

When we went to the specialist, an army of a genetic counselor, dietitian, and physician marched into the room. I thought I was going to lose it again, but I stuck to my survival mode and took meticulous notes throughout the appointment. They drew blood and collected urine from both girls. The results of this test would confirm whether or not the girls have the disorder.

I got the call today. Both girls are completely, 100% healthy. The initial results were a false positive. They do not have an organic disorder. The weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. I could breathe again. Interestingly, since the screening results (fraternal twins both testing positive for something so rare) were so unusual, the genetic counselor suggested that it is possible that I have an organic acid disorder which resulted in the elevated levels in the girls screening. He said many people are completely asymptomatic and never know they have it (they only started screening for these disorders in 2002). He said I could get tested, which I am considering.

Of course if the girls did have the disorder, we would have done everything in our power to be their advocates and ensure the very best care for them. We would have been ok. But today was a very, very, very good day and I'm so thankful that this post has a happy ending.

New friends

2011-03-22T15:13:00.006-05:00

As many of you already know, my dear friend Egg welcomed her twins!! Huge congrats to her and her new happy family! We are so happy to have a new set of twinsies, Charlie and Lucy, to play with :)

Other than that, not much to report over here. We're so in love with our daughters and getting to know them better and better every day. Hard to believe they will be a month on Thursday! They're growing like weeds and both are a pound heavier than their birth weight. They are good babies and don't fuss too much. Plus, we are blessed with lots and lots of help from my mom and a night nurse a few times a week. Life is beautiful and wonderful and we just couldn't be happier.

a day in the life

2011-03-16T16:07:00.003-05:00

We're all home!!

2011-03-11T22:32:00.004-06:00

We're all home! Here are Ar.den's coming home pictures:

{So excited to see my sister!}

{doing a happy dance}

{together again}

{mom totally staged us holding hands}

{exhausted, but SO happy}

Home!

2011-03-10T12:42:00.004-06:00

{Come on, Mom! Let's go!}

{where are the rest of my clothes?}

{ready to go!}

{snug as a bug in a rug}

On the mend

2011-03-09T11:34:00.003-06:00

Oh man, I've been through hell and back. I was admitted to the hospital on Saturday night with a severe case of endometritis. It took three full days of three different kinds of intravenous antibiotics to finally kick the infection (we think). It was scary and painful and all kinds of miserable. At one point they thought I had something called septic pelvic vein thrombophlebitis, an extremely rare blot clot. YUCK. They ruled it out with an emergency CT scan at 3 am on Monday, thank GOD and by Tuesday the fevers had subsided and they sent me home on oral antibiotics. Oh, and my pre-eclampsia decided to stick around and my blood pressure is still super high. So I'm on procardia for the next few weeks until my BP normalizes. Oh, AND I am severely anemic! A hemoglobin level less than 13 is considered anemic and mine was 7.2. So I had two blood transfusions to give me a boost. Fun, fun, times. But I am on the mend and feeling better each day.

But...BUT....we get to bring Ellie home!!!!! She passed her discharge tests and we're picking her up later today! The doc gave us the option of bringing her home on an apnea monitor, which we agreed to, which will likely be a huge pain in the ass...but anything to ensure our little one's health. How cute is she in her car seat?!

Arden continues to improve. Her jaundice is gone and she's nursing like a champ. We're hoping to bring her home either Friday or Saturday. It's crazy how much has happened and they're not even two weeks old! We love them so very, very much and just can't wait to all be together!

They sure do look like twins, huh?

Not fair

2011-03-05T21:09:00.002-06:00

Let me preface this by saying that I have the most beautiful daughters in the entire world and I feel very,very lucky and blessed to have these lovely healthy girls. And an awesome husband.

But...I paid my fucking dues. It took me 3.5 years to get pregnant, I had a difficult pregnancy chock full of complications, and now......wait for it......acute endometritis! This is a rare complication when the uterus becomes infected, normally after a c-section or D+C. I have been feeling downright lousy since coming home on Monday. Chills, shakes, exhaustion, achiness. I was running fevers as high as 103. But I was in denial that this was something more than normal c-section recovery and all I could focus on was visiting the babies as much as possible, nursing, pumping, trying to be a mom to two sweet girls in the special care nursery.

However, after much encouragement from B and my mom. I admitted something was off. After several calls and a visit to my OB, they ruled out mastitis, a UTI, flu, etc. etc. They started me on a general antibiotic on Wednesday...but it didn't do a thing. Same symptoms, same fevers.

I ran into my main OB today while visiting the girls and told her what was up. She took my temp and it was normal (of course), but she told me to watch it closely. Later in the day the fever was back, so off to the ER.

So here I am, in the hospital. Again. Hooked up to three power doses of IV antibiotics. I can't see the babies for at least 24 hours. Seriously?! Why couldn't I have just had a normal recovery? It's not fucking fair.

B and I started tallying "points" that I get for all the various complications. This one is definitely bonus round.

Slowly but surely

2011-03-03T20:43:00.003-06:00

The girls are making progress and we hope to bring them home soon!

Home

2011-02-28T23:07:00.004-06:00

I was discharged this afternoon. I'm feeling a bit better each day and staying on top of the meds is key to pain management. It feels so good to no longer be in the hospital - I've only been home one day in the past week, between the pre-eclampsia stay and going into labor. I still have high blood pressure...not scary high, but definitely something they want to watch over the next 6 weeks.

Of course it was really sad to leave the babies, but I was prepared for this and I know they are in great hands. Once their jaundice clears up we should be able to bring them home. Eloise is still on a bit of oxygen, but hopefully she'll learn to chill out with her breathing and be weaned off in the next day or so.

B and I are staying with my parents (I still haven't been to our apartment), which makes leaving the babies a bit easier since I don't have to walk past an empty nursery all day long. My parents' apartment is in an elevator building, which is much more manageable for me to come and go throughout the day to see the babies than climbing the three flights of stairs to our apartment. Plus, my mom is amazing and cooks us great meals and takes awesome care of us. We're so lucky.

Here are pics of the girls getting their sun tans. They are so freaking cute!!

Birth story

2011-02-27T07:37:00.004-06:00

I want to remember the exciting turn of events that led to the girls' birth, so here it goes!

I was hospitalized Monday - Wednesday with the pre-eclampsia. They sent me home with a BP monitor and lots of follow-up appointments and tests. To be honest, I was really freaked out about the scary-ness of pre-e and of course the dreaded magnesium sulfate.

Thursday was a regular day of bed rest. I sent B to work and my mom came over to help me with some of the babies' laundry (I got a little carried away with online shopping during BR and had lots of clothes to wash!) My mom picked up lunch from Whole Foods. We ate, played scrabble, and I vegged on the couch folding clothes as they came out of the dryer. I'd noticed a watery discharge all day, which wasn't that different than before except that it smelled different (gross, I know). In fact, I had just googled "how do I know if I'm leaking amniotic fluid?" when I felt a HUGE gush of warm fluid. It was all over the couch - I immediately stood up and screamed. The water kept coming. It was red. Luckily my mom's water broke with my brother, so she knew exactly what was happening and what to do.

I had the strangest feeling of pure fear and relief and excitement. I was in labor! My mom took charge and got me a fresh change of clothes, called B, and gathered all my stuff. I stupidly called my doctor's office and asked the receptionist if I could take a shower before going to the hospital (NO). I started freaking about the state of our apartment and wanting to delay getting the hospital. My mom firmly told me to get in the car and stop worrying.

Once in triage the contractions came and were very strong. I was in a state of real pain and real fear. I knew that I'd reached a point in pregnancy that birth was ok at this point, but the thought of the c-section really freaked me out. My BP skyrocketed to 160/100 and my pulse was 130! Thank god the doctor on call did not think I needed the magnesium sulfate, even with my adrenaline -induced high readings. B met us at the hospital. I stayed in triage for about two hours while they monitored the babies. Surprisingly I was only 3 cm dilated, but the contractions hurt like hell.

When they took me to surgery prep, I started sobbing. I was just so scared about the c-section. The anesthesiologist seriously freaked me out by telling me that since I had just eaten, there was a good chance I'd aspirate during surgery and they'd have to intubate me with a breathing tube for several days! I totally lost it. The OB on call came in and majorly reassured me, but by that point I assumed the worst. I told B and my parents that if I died to tell the girls I loved them. Ahhh, so emotional!

They took me into surgery around 5:45 and started the spinal - it was awful being without B at that point. It's scary when you have two doctors talking about where in your spine they will be injecting! Soon enough B came in and they started the c-section. I felt a ton of pulling, tugging, and pressure, but no pain. The girls arrived a few minutes later, within one minute of each other. B went with the girls while they were cleaned up and I got to see them for a second before the whisked them off to the NICU. It was amazing and surreal and wonderful.

The rest of the surgery took about half an hour. I got very sleepy and bored and anxious to see the girls. Unfortunately my recovery was pretty bad and I was too sick to see the girls that night. I was sad, but so utterly exhausted, I was content to see the photos and video B had taken of them.

When I met them the next day, the most intense feeling of love washed over me and hasn't left since. It's strange to no longer be pregnant, and even though the girls came a bit earlier than what is ideal, I wouldn't change these turn of events for anything. I am so very, very, very in love with my daughters and the love for my husband has only increased. We're on cloud nine and soaking up every second of this wonderful time.

Random thoughts...in no particular order

2011-02-26T04:36:00.004-06:00

I can't believe those two beautiful baby girls are actually mine
I love them more every single second
It's true when people say one step forward and two steps back in the NICU (El.oise went off oxygen, only to be put back on and also on an IV...Ar.den may have jaundice)
My babies look like total chunks in the NICU compared to the other babies, but I know they're tiny!
Recovering from a c-section f-ing hurts
I still look pregnant, but my stomach went from rock hard to flabby and squishy
I'm glad I went into labor when I did. The pre-eclampsia was freaking me out big time
My husband is amazing...and proves it again and again each day - he suctioned up colostrum, rinsed out my breast pump parts, and delivered milk to the NICU no less than 7 times yesterday
My nipples haven't cracked yet and pumping has been really easy - too early to tell??
They thought Ar.den was ready to breastfeed, but then she refused to even take a bottle last night...apparently sleeping was way more fun
It's looking doubtful that the babies will go home with us now, which breaks my heart, but recovering a few more days at home without the babies is probably a good thing
It hurt so bad to pee yesterday that I actually asked for a catheter to relieve the pressure, It was amazing
I'm working on the birth story and will share it soon
I'm in more pain than I've ever been in, but the intense love in my heart overpowers everything else

Pictures!

2011-02-25T13:25:00.002-06:00

Sorry, not too many good pictures yet - I only just met them! Unfortunately I was really sick last night and was unable to visit the girls in the NICU, but spent some great time with them today. A.rden is doing awesome...no feeding tube or oxygen. Elo.ise is off oxygen and just has a little tube to help her clear her tummy. They think both girls will go home with us on Sunday or Monday! We are so lucky and so blessed to have these beautiful girls in our lives. I promise better pictures soon!

They're here!

2011-02-24T20:53:00.003-06:00

Introducing

Ar.den Joan
5lb 13oz
19 inches
6:08pm

Elo.ise Katherine
5lb 8oz
18 inches
6:09pm

They are lovely and beautiful and perfect in every way. Both girls are
doing great. They're in the NICU for monitoring and Elo.ise is getting
a little oxygen for a bit, but should be off soon. Pictures to come.

And my BP stabilized enough, so no Magnesium Sulfate!

Thanks for all your love and support!

It's time...

2011-02-24T17:12:00.001-06:00

My water broke (OMG, like Niagara Falls pouring out of me) at 2:15
today...going in for c-section soon! Will post again when I can.

Still here, still pregnant

2011-02-23T15:22:00.002-06:00

So I have mild pre-eclampsia. They want to monitor it (at home thankfully!!!) and scheduled my c-section for March 9 (37 weeks) unless I go into labor on my own or the pre-eclampsia gets worse. Also, turns out I'm now 2.5 cm dilated, although no one seems to think labor is imminent.

The pre-eclampsia freaks me out becuase I know it's a serious complication. I have to have NSTs twice a week, check my BP several times a day at home, and do another 24-hour urine test starting on Sunday. Plus, I'll need to be on magnesium sulfate 24-hours post delivery to ensure my BP doesn't rise dramatically. My doc warned me that the side effects of the mag are really unpleasant. Anyone have experience with that?

Anyway, I'm still here, still pregnant, and still so very, very thankful for every day I have with these babies in my belly!

35 weeks and trip to L&D part 5

2011-02-21T15:00:00.002-06:00

Today is the official 35 week milestone! Whoo hoo! And, once again, my cervix is shockingly unchanged. I have been having serious painful contractions all week, so I'm beginning to think that I'm a major wimp since they're apparently not doing anything to my cervix. Regardless, I am thrilled to have made it so far and count each and every day as a blessing.

But what's a doctor's appointment without a subsequent trip to L&D? This time it's pre-eclampsia. My BP was slightly high last week, and slightly higher today (130/80 ish). My doc wants to keep an eye on it, so she sent me to triage for additional monitoring. My BP is vascillating between totally normal and slightly high, and the bloodwork came back borderline for pre-e, so they admitted me for at least the next day for the famous pee jug test (capture all my urine in a jug for 24 hours and they measure the amount of protein to diagnose pre-eclampsia). If it's mild, they'll likely send me home for more bed rest and a scheduled c-section around 37 weeks. If it's severe, they'll deliver ASAP. EEEEKKK!

I'm ok. We had an awesome growth scan this morning and Ting and Ling are bruisers! Ting weighed in at 5lb13oz and Ling at 5lb11oz. Big babies! The tech said the measurements could be off by about a pound, but even at the low end, my girls are looking great! Plus, it makes me feel a little less awful about hitting the 50lb weight gain today :) If my babies are big, then it's aaaaalllllll worth it.

So we'll see if Ting and Ling are coming sooner than later, but who would have thought after all the PTL scares that it would be pre-e that would be the reason for an early delivery? These babies are certainly keeping me on my toes.

A gift

2011-02-18T10:13:00.003-06:00

I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant! Can you even believe it?! To be 100% honest, the past week has been really challenging. The discomforts of pregnancy have amplified by about 1,000 in recent days. But rather than bore you with a whiny post about physical discomforts (because what's more annoying than that?), I'd just like to thank infertility. I have no doubt that due to the struggles we went through to get this pregnancy, I am the happiest I have ever been despite my current state. No amount of heartburn, cramps, back pain, etc. could ever take away my pure joy to be where I am today.

So, to keep it brief, thanks infertility for keeping me humble.

34 weeks!

2011-02-14T14:33:00.004-06:00

I can't believe I made it to 34 weeks! If you had told me 7 weeks ago when I was in L&D freaking out that I'd still be pregnant on Valentine's Day I would have laughed at you. I'm so, so thankful to have made it this far.

I thought for sure I was in labor the past two days. The pain has been pretty constant, and sometimes almost unbearable, but it never got worse and never got closer together, so I didn't go into L&D. They won't stop labor at this point and knowing that I'd see my doc today, didn't seem worth an unnecessary trip to the hospital. I figured I'd be at least a few cm more dilated today and be sent for a c-section.

I was shocked after my exam today. I'm still 1ish cm and 90% effaced. Basically no change from last week. Apparently the pain is just stretching, pulling, and contracting...but not labor yet. Of course I can go into real labor at any point, or go a week or two longer. It's just a waiting game. I would LOVE to make it to 35-36 weeks and have the chance that the babies can go home with us, but I'm not going to get greedy.

Here's my belly shot:

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day. B and I had a lovely dinner out on Friday and he surprised me with a sweet gift in a little blue box. It was nice to have a romantic evening together after all the bed rest and knowing that pretty soon we'll be babies babies babies 24-7!

33 weeks!

2011-02-07T15:50:00.003-06:00

33 weeks today! Whoo hoo!

I saw my OB today and my cervix is still unchanged - 1ish cm dilated. Great news, and very surprising since I felt pretty crampy last night and this morning. She said that the mild cramping is probably my new baseline and again, as long as there are no cervical changes, I'm not in pre-term labor. However, she said it could change literally any second, so I could go into labor any day now, or last a week or two more. She said I am definitely not making it to 38 weeks, so no point in scheduling an induction...just wait until the babies are ready to come out.

I have to admit, after spending yesterday evening with my friend's 5-day old baby, I am really anxious to meet these girls, but I know every day they stay inside me is less time in the NICU. So for now I'm keeping my fingers crossed for 34 weeks, but at this point I'll take what I can get.

The babies aced their NST/AFI, while I had some "impressive" contractions, to quote the nurse watching my strip. They don't really hurt, but at this point they are uncomfortable and I definitely know when I'm having them. In other news, Ting is so breech it's not even funny. Her butt is firmly facing down and her legs are straight up by her head. Silly girl! I'm not super excited about a c-section and I started getting weepy when the doc told me that I may not see my babies for an entire day if they go to the NICU since I won't be able to get up to see them until I start to get feeling back in my lower body :( It makes me so sad I can hardly even think about it, so I'm trying to focus on the positives of making it this far and holding on for the time being.

I'm starting weekly belly shots because I want to document how out-of-control big my tummy is and at this point each one could be my last!

Twin pregnancy observations

2011-02-06T16:04:00.007-06:00

Last week I noted some of the good/bad/WTF of pregnancy. I figured since I'm lucky enough (and I truly do feel SO lucky) to be pregs with twinsies, I'd share some specific twin stuff.

The good:

Twin pregnancy is ideal for an infertile. Twins = more appointments, more monitoring, and more attention. Sure, there is more worry, but I think we're all quite used to worrying about our bodies at this point. For me, the extra attention has been a life saver. I've had 25+ ultrasounds, an appointment of some sort almost every week, and lots of extra tests to see/hear our babies. All good stuff in my opinion!
Bing, bang, done. As someone with diminished ovarian reserve, I know that my eggs have an expiration date, and based on my AMH results, that date is rapidly approaching. I am very aware that this could be my only pregnancy and I am so thankful to get "two-for-the-price-of-one" - thanks Dr. Awesome!
Cutest clothes ever. Maybe this only applies to same sex twins, but shopping for matching/coordinating outfits has been so fun. Plus, a friend of mine from HS has 2-year old twin girls and hooked me up big time with all her adorable outfits. It's just too cute.

The bad:

Worry. The extra appointments/tests/etc. are a doubled edged sword. Of course I love all the extra attention, but there is a reason for all the added stuff...twin pregnancies bring some scary shit. If you look up any pregnancy complication, "multiples" is almost always listed as a risk factor.
Anticipation. Having twins has brought many an OMG. How are we going to do this??? moment. Having one baby is overwhelming, but two? Wow.

The WTF?

Questions, questions, questions! The minute you tell someone you're having twins, all manners go out the window. I am consistently amazed at the questions people ask. At a very formal business meeting, a women I had never met asked me (in front of 10 other people) if my twins were "planned." WTF does that mean? Why don't you just ask me if I'm infertile and had to endure countless injections, tests, and procedures to conceive?
Hugeness. I mean, really huge. My belly measures a massive 44 weeks and most of my maternity clothes no longer fit. I thank my lucky stars that I can live in yoga pants and sweatshirts thanks to bedrest (for some reason my Lulu Groove pants still fit...weird.) I'm not quite sure how I would manage to look presentable at work each day.
Contractions! I've now been having regular (like every 2-8 minutes) contractions for 6 weeks, probably even longer than that before I realized what they were, and have now been in the hospital four times. I feel my tum-tum every 5 seconds to check for contractions, even though I know I'm having them, and know I'm not in labor. Yet. I've been living on edge for so long now...waiting to go into labor, but hoping for more time with these girls in my belly. It's crazy to think that either way, these girls will be here in less than four weeks (and probably more like 1-2 weeks, or less!)

Despite some of the bad and WTF stuff, I feel so unbelievably lucky to have TWO babies in my belly. Ting and Ling have already brought me so much joy. I'm happier than I've ever been and my heart is just exploding with love for these little girls. I'm just so excited to meet them.

L&D part 4

2011-02-04T09:58:00.005-06:00

Yep, another visit to L&D. It's crazy to think that one of these times it will actually result in the birth of our twins! Thankfully this wasn't the time.

Here's the recap. I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday with some period-like cramping. It continued on and off for about half an hour. Since painful contractions are what the doc told me to watch for at my last visit to L&D, I woke up B and told him we needed to get to the hospital (side note: thank god it wasn't Tuesday during the huge blizzard we got in Chicago! It was still a little dicey maneuvering our car on the still-snow-filled streets, but we made it...and I am very thankful that our hospital is less than a mile from our apt).

When we got to L&D I was still having painful contractions, which immediately were picked up on the monitor. The doc checked my cervix and shockingly it was the same as it was on Monday. I was so relieved. I was absolutely convinced that this pain was the real thing. The doc said he'd check in another 2 hours and if I was more dilated then they would send me to the OR for a c-section (Baby A is still very stubbornly breech)!!!! Much to my relief, my cervix was unchanged 2 hours later and 2 hours after that (I admit, I gave B a high five after the second exam).

They admitted me overnight for more monitoring. The contractions became less painful, but no less frequent. My main OB stopped by in the morning and I also met with the MFM on call. According to the MFM:

I'm not in pre-term labor since my cervix hasn't changed
1cm dilated at this point in a twin pregnancy is pretty normal and doesn't mean I'm in labor or going into labor anytime soon
Regular contractions (even slightly painful ones) are also normal
Tocolytics may ease contractions, but they don't stop labor for longer than a few days (they do not use them except for VERY early pre-term labor, like 24-25 weeks). In his opinion, contractions without cervical change should not be treated except to delay labor for 48 hours to allow steroids to kick in, but I received the steroid shots during visit to L&D part 1.
I could go into labor tonight or go another 4 weeks. There is just no way to know.

While not the yes/no black/white responses I wanted, he was very reassuring and even had the neonatologist come talk to us about what we could expect with 32.5-week babies (if I went into labor today). All very comforting, but obviously I would like these girls to stay in as long as possible!!

So I stayed overnight again for additional monitoring - I'll spare you the details of my whiny meltdown and total bitch attitude towards the nurses about the fetal monitors - and despite being ridiculously tired, I'm ok. My cervix is still unchanged today, so they sent me home. I'm so relieved that the babies didn't come, and I'm still hoping for a little over a week more to get to 34 weeks. Please hope with me!

Pregnancy observations

2011-02-01T08:40:00.005-06:00

Considering my belly currently measures more than 40-weeks, I now feel qualified to share a few observations/surprises of pregnancy.

The Good:

Belly. I love the belly. It's so big and funny and just mind boggling to think that there are two little people in there!
Movement. Ah, I wish they wiggled and squirmed all day. I can't get enough! I especially love when I can watch a lump in my belly move from one side to the other.
Hiccups. Each of the babies gets the hiccups about once a day. It's so cute. It sounds especially cute on the monitors because you can actually hear the little hiccup sound!
Maternity clothes. I know, right? I actually have done pretty well...maybe I splurged a bit too much, but I definitely found some great items in a range of prices from Old Navy to the pricey boutiques in my 'hood. Makes me sad that this is very likely my only pregnancy.

The Bad:

Heartburn. Oooooh, it has gotten bad. I'd never had heartburn in my entire life...didn't even know what it was supposed to feel like. Well, there is no doubt about it, I now have heartburn day and night. Not fun, but at least I like the taste of Tums :)
Congestion. I have a bloody/stuffed up nose constantly. I snore, I drool (only when sleeping thank goodness), and am generally gross. People are always asking me if I'm sick. Ick.
Sleep. Is non-existant. Apart from getting up every 2 hours to pee, I'm constantly trying to get comfortable which is getting harder and harder. I flip around in bed like a whale...poor B!

The WTF?

Stretch marks. UGH. I knew I was destined to get them because I have them from puberty, but I thought my proactive belly rubbing with lots of 'spensive creams would at least minimize them. I thought I was doing ok until about 27 weeks...then it was like an explosion. Yuck. My bikini days are OVA!
Um...peeing in a cup. It's getting really hard. I can't see anything under there and am shocked I haven't peed all over my hand yet.
Hernia. Yeah, I noticed a bruise-like spot on my belly and the doc said I may have a small hernia from my ab muscles separating from my massive girth. She said we'll just have to watch it and see what happens post-birth. Yikes.
Bo.obs. I am a freak of nature. I knew the ni.pple area is supposed to get darker, but this is out.of.control. I scare myself.

Ok, without going too much further into TMI zone, that's it for now. Despite some general uncomfie-ness, I love being pregnant. I do. I love my babies and I love my body for being their home these past 8 months. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

32 weeks and L&D part 3

2011-01-31T17:01:00.004-06:00

32 weeks today! Whoo hoo! According to my doc, this is a big milestone. Next up, 34 weeks!

Maybe not. After today's appointment and subsequent visit to L&D, I'm not so sure 34 weeks is going to happen. Right now I'm hoping for 33.

I first went for the NST and AFI (amniotic fluid index). The babies look great. My ute does not. I am still contracting almost constantly. While I don't feel most of them, a few were slightly uncomfortable. After the NST, I saw one of the OBs who declared my cervix a generous 1 cm dilated. Great. So off I went to triage for more monitoring. They determined that my cervix isn't changing any further, thus no pre-term labor, just cervical changes that are slightly worrisome. However, the doc assured me that all of this is pretty normal for a 32-week twin pregnancy.

So they sent me home with the same modified bed-rest prescription and told me to watch for any changes. I hate to complain, and don't get me wrong - I am THRILLED to be at this point - but this is getting old. The constant stress of going into labor and repeated trips to L&D is taking its toll. I so badly want to keep these babies cooking for a few more weeks, but sometimes I wonder if would just be easier if they'd come already. Isn't that a horrible, awful thing to say? Ugh. Me=cranky and frustrated.

Anyway, here is the 32-week belly pic.

Nursery pics

2011-01-21T13:42:00.004-06:00

To counter my downer post earlier this week, here are some nursery pics! We live in a vintage gut-rehab, which I love, but the bedrooms are small...still, I think this sweet room will be just perfect for our little girls. We still need a book shelf and lamp, but other than that we are very close to being ready! My mom came over yesterday and we washed all the baby clothes, sheets, and blankets, and organized everything in their little drawers and closet. So sweet.

{notice the sweet owl light switch cover - loves!

It's from Anthro, as are the drawer pulls on the dresser}

{don't worry: stuffed animals and blankets will be removed when babies are in them! These sweet bassinets convert to their full size crib. The print is from Ida Pearle}

{we took off the closet doors for easy access to the changing table

curtains were made from cheapo Ikea fabric - I just love the colors!}

{tiny clothes washed and ready to go!}

{our twelve-week ultrasound pics with little guardian angels B's aunt gave us in South Africa several years ago}

That's it! We are ready for you sweet girls, but it would be great if you waited a few weeks longer to introduce yourselves!

Out of my control

2011-01-19T09:40:00.005-06:00

Perhaps the most frustrating part of infertility was the complete lack of control. No matter what I ate, how I exercised, who I prayed to, how mad I got, nothing would change my defunct ovaries. It was maddening. All I could do was put my faith in Dr. Awesome that his protocol would work. Amazingly, and despite some serious odds, it did. After only three tries. I thank my lucky stars each and every day that I found Dr. Awesome and that he worked his magic on A's poor sad ovaries.

During my pregnancy I felt in control again. I could eat healthy, take my prenatals, do all the appropriate testing, etc. Of course there was still the fearful element of the unknown...but for the most part I felt like I had reclaimed my body and that it was finally doing what it was meant to do.

Now, as my uterus contracts uncontrollably and my cervix begins to open up too soon, I have those same horrible feelings of inadequacy. That my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I am just waiting to go into labor. I know if the girls come now they will most likely be just fine, but I want more than anything in the world for them to stay put for a few more weeks. It's frustrating and scary and I wish there was something I could do to dictate the outcome. But I can't. And I have to surrender to what will be will be, something I chanted to myself over and over during infertility treatments. At least I'm used to these feelings, right?

On a brighter note, here is my belated 30-week belly shot. I don't know why I look so mad, probably because I was very focused on keeping my very puffy hand steady (my arm is still swollen from the IVs they gave me in L&D on Monday)

The big 3-0! And other news

2011-01-17T15:44:00.004-06:00

I am turning 30 this April, but today I'm celebrating being 30 weeks pregnant! Being in the 30 weeks sounds so much more reassuring to me...but, of course, staying pregnant a few more weeks is definitely my goal!

So I had good news and bad at my appointment today. Good news is that I passed my three-hour glucose test and do not have gestational diabetes! PHEW! I still failed the one-hour portion (by 9 points), but the other three values (fasting, two-hour and three-hour) were all well within normal limits. The doc said it wouldn't be a bad idea to stay away from sweets, but other than that, no restrictions. Yay!

The bad news is that I'm now a fingertip dilated. The doctor said this is pretty normal at this point, but she sent me to L&D for monitoring just to be sure I wasn't going into labor. Five hours on the monitors, three cervical exams, and an ultrasound later, I was sent home. My cervix did not change, even though I'm still contracting pretty frequently. It's the same "irritable uterus" diagnosis, and again I'm just supposed to watch for painful, more intense contrax. I must have been dehydrated as well because after two bags of fluids, the contrax definitely slowed down. I feel like I am drinking water constantly, but I guess I need to drink even more.

So I'm still on modified bed rest and hoping these babies stay put for at least four more weeks!

Baby showers* and baby names

2011-01-10T10:26:00.004-06:00

*Baby showers sting....they still do for me sometimes...so for those of you still waiting, I completely understand if you want to disregard this post as it's entirely about my baby shower and my babies' names.

Some days I still can't believe I'm pregnant. Yes, it's getting harder to deny with my huge belly and aching back, but there are moments when I just can't fathom how very lucky I am. I had one of those moments during my baby shower this weekend...when I asked myself "is this really happening? how did I get so lucky?"

Ting and Ling are spoiled!! My friends are so generous and gave us the most lovely gifts for our daughters. I feel so blessed and so honored to have such amazing people in their lives! Here are a bunch of pics from the shower.

{adorable tennis-themed cake - sorry, had to block out our names!}

{mom + me + HUGE bump}

{adorable onesies from my mom}

{sweet print for the nursery}

{Ting + Ling are already HUGE Nadal fans! Vamos!}

{My friend got this Newton's Law print from Nerdy Baby -

my dad is a physicist, so this was a BIG hit}

{And the numbers print to accompany it}

{preppy girls!}

{sweet dolls}

{sweet hubs}

B and I have had our names picked since October, but we haven't shared with my parents. My mom seemed pretty opinionated (not on purpose, but I'd definitely get vibes from her when I brought up names) and since B and I love our names so much, I didn't want to have their opinions shadow our choice. Since it's been more than three months since their names were set in stone, I decided it was time for the big reveal.

Both of our names are literary, so I bought the books, wrote each baby's full name on the inside cover, wrapped them and gave them to my mom as a gift on the day of the shower. I told her she could decide when she wanted to open them. She held out for a good 8 hours, but couldn't stand it any longer and opened them. She cried when she learned we honored her with Ling's middle name. It was sweet and touching, and I think both my mom and dad truly love our names. Soon enough, bloggies, I will share them with you, too!

Bedrest: Week 1

2011-01-07T09:29:00.003-06:00

One work week down... xx to go???

It's weird to be semi-miserable, but wanting to stay semi-miserable for at least 5 more weeks! Bedrest isn't actually that bad. Yes, it's frustrating and uncomfortable, but staying inside during Chicago winter definitely isn't the worst thing in the world.

I'm lucky to have kind friends who come visit and parents who live nearby. Yesterday my mom picked me up and took me to her apt for the day so I could have a change of scenery. It made a big difference! Plus, we got to play Scrabble in the middle of the day :)

And the best part is that I am really, really busy at work and although slightly inconvenient to do everything via phone/email, it's really not that bad. My commute to work was brutal, almost an hour or more each way sometimes, so it's easy not to miss that! And, I like that I can prove to my boss that I CAN work productively from home, and hopefully work two days a week from home after maternity leave.

But then there is the scary stuff...the constant worry that these girls are coming too soon. That I will suddenly go into labor and we won't be able to stop it. I know nothing is pointing to that right now, but I also know that things can change quickly. A mild reassurance is that since really taking it easy, the BH contrax have slowed significantly. I think I was having way more contractions than I ever realized and I probably was just doing too much for someone in their third tri with twins. For example, the week leading up to the hospital visit, I went to work, shopped after work, went out to dinner, and went to the movies, all in the same day, two days in a row. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's what triggered the contrax.

Anyway, my doc said she would release all restrictions at 34 weeks since they don't stop labor after that point. So at the most, this bedrest situation will be 5 weeks long. I'm just so glad we did a lot of our shopping, classes, etc. so early because I do feel very prepared for the girls' arrival. Our nursery is almost complete - I will show pictures as soon as our cribs come in, promise!

And, in fun news, my baby shower is tomorrow! Friends are coming in from Arizona, Indiana, and South Carolina...I'm so excited to see everyone. I kind of hate all the attention that comes with showers, but at the same time I'm really excited to open gifts on behalf of Ling & Ting!

Bedrest begins

2011-01-03T12:48:00.007-06:00

I had an appointment with my OB today...everything is ok, but not quite what I was expecting. The culture from my UTI came back and the infection is extremely mild. Which is good, except it means it likely wasn't causing the contractions. So basically I have an "irritable uterus," or contractions that aren't causing cervical changes, probably from being 28 weeks with twins...just the way it goes with multiples, I guess. As I was told before, I now need to monitor for changes in my contractions.

The bad news is the bed rest situation. My restrictions are a bit more intense than I initially thought. First, I am not allowed to go to work. I can work from home, which is fine, but I REALLY wanted to be in the office a day or two a week until at least February since this is a really busy time for me and my company is very "old school" in that much of the communication is done via paper or face-to-face. I know I will make it work, but it is definitely not ideal.

Also, my doc said that in bed, on the couch, or at the dining room table is where I need to be for the weeks to come. So not so much on the dinner with friends, shopping, etc. Yes, I can go to my baby shower if I sit the entire time...yes, I can have short excursions, but she said I should ask myself "is it worth going into labor" before I do something. GAH!

Of course I know that our babies are THE most important thing right now and keeping them in for each extra week is a very, very good thing. So I'll do whatever it takes. This is just throwing me for a bit of a loop! When I left the office on Thursday I never planned to not come back until after maternity leave! Yikes.

Here I am at 28 weeks in all my hugeness glory!

Much to be thankful for

2010-12-31T18:32:00.003-06:00

I'm home. I'm not in labor. They think they determined the cause of my contractions (UTI), which is easily fixed with some antibiotics. Two ouchie steroid shots in the butt and I'm somewhat reassured that even if these girls come early, they'll be ok.

I have a lovely husband to take care of me and our girls, especially now that I'm on modified bedrest (with lots of exclusions...GO to your baby shower, MEET your friends for dinner, DO your grocery shopping). The things I can't do...clean, lift heavy objects, do laundry...will all be skillfully handled by my knight in shining armor, with a little help from our cleaning woman.

I work for a great company that is giving me SIX months maternity leave, and is willing to be flexible with working from home pre- and post-babies. I am blessed with amazing parents and a mom who offered to nanny three days a week for us when I return to work.

And, of course, last but not least, I have two sweet, adorable girls growing in my belly who I love more and more each day. My only wish for 2011 is that they stay inside for at least six more weeks!

Adieu 2010...you've been a strange mix of intense pain and joy I didn't know existed. I'm ready for 2011, to prepare for my daughters, to meet my daughters, to raise my daughters. I'm so excited.

Update

2010-12-31T10:57:00.003-06:00

Still here. Still having contractions. But there is good news! My cervix is a solid 3 cm, not effaced, dilated, or dynamic. So that is a huge relief that I am not in pre-term labor (defined as contracting with cervical changes). Rather, I'm having what they call pre-term contractions. The high-risk physician here seems to think it is from a UTI...weird, right?! At least something that can be treated and hopefully stop the contrax.

Ok! So here comes a major WHINE...the fetal monitors are brutal. They are soooooo uncomfy and prevent me from sleeping at all, and I am EXHAUSTED. Plus the babies keep moving, so I have a nurse in my room every 5 minutes to adjust the monitors. I just want to go home to my own bed!

I am meeting with the physician in the next couple of hours to figure out the course of action. The bonus to being here? An awesome ultrasound of my babies! We got to see their hair and ears and all kinds of details. Sooooooooooooo freaking cute.

Visit to labor and delivery....freaking out

2010-12-31T07:07:00.005-06:00

Yep...it's true. I'm in the hospital. Last night around 10:45 I noticed painless contractions that were coming every 10-15 minutes. I didn't think much of it, but after about 1/2 hour decided to call the doctor. She said it was probably nothing to worry about, but that I could go in for monitoring for peace of mind. Since the hospital is literally 5 minutes from our apartment, we decided to go in.

I figured we'd be the newbie preggo couple that gets sent home after 5 min with the labor and delivery staff snickering about how dumb and alarmist we are. WRONG.

They hooked me up to the monitors and sure enough I was having contractions 2 MINUTES apart! Luckily my cervix was not dialated, and hadn't changed 4 hours later when they checked again. They did the FFN test and we should have the results soon....praying for negative! They also gave me a steroid shot to help the babies' lungs in case they come early.

They kept me here all night for monitoring. And we're now waiting for the doctor to see if I need to stay until my second steroid shot at 11:30 tonight.

I haven't slept a wink. I'm uncomfortable, exhausted, frustrated and crabby. But most of all, scared. It's too early for these babies to come!!! Please pray for Ting and Ling!

FAIL

2010-12-29T10:32:00.003-06:00

Crap. I failed my gestational diabetes test :(

Not terribly (10 points over the cut off), so I'm scheduled for the 3-hour fasting test next week. If I fail that, then I definitely have gestational diabetes.

Glad I waited until after Christmas to take the test...at least I got my sugar fix in over the holiday weekend.

A very merry Christmas

2010-12-28T10:21:00.006-06:00

Happy Holidays!! After one of the most difficult years of my life, 2010 is certainly ending well...better than I could have ever expected! After waiting more than three years, and despite some really scary odds, I am finally pregnant. Some days I still can't even believe it. It's just too good to be true. I love my little girls so much it hurts and although I am very excited to meet them, I hope they wait about eight more weeks to make their appearance!

I hope you all had nice holidays. Santa was very good to me this year. He must read my blog because I got the diaper bag I've been coveting and B surprised me with a fancy schmancy new camera. Now I just need to figure out how to use it! My favorite gift was from my parents...a large box of hand knit baby sweaters, leggings, blankets that my great aunt made for me when I was a baby. My mom had them all cleaned and ready to for Ting and Ling. So sweet!

This present was a surprise...

My mom confessed that she saw the book the day I found out I was having twins, hence her coining them "Ting and Ling" - she's been saving this book to give to me for Christmas. It's actually a darling book and I can't wait to read it to my girls.

And, in other news, Ling's heart is A-OK! We went back yesterday for a growth scan and heart check. Both babies weigh just over 2 lbs and look perfect. No PACs were detected AT ALL. What a relief!

I don't share many ultrasound pictures because none of them turn out very good and we don't get the fancy 4-D ones so many of you get, but this one is too cute to not share. Turns out our little Ting is doing some pilates in the womb! Flexible, huh?

Anyway, I hope you all had lovely holidays and for those of you still waiting for your babies, I think about you all the time and hope 2011 makes all your wishes come true.

26 weeks

2010-12-19T16:47:00.004-06:00

Just a quick update with a 26 week belly pic. Not sure how I can get any bigger (currently measuring 32 weeks)! Eek.

I'm feeling good these days. Tired, but to be expected with a belly this big! The girls move all the time and I love it. I wish they would move 24-7, but I suppose they need to sleep, too :)

I'm still very nauseous in the morning, but the Zofran works wonders and my doctor assured me that taking one a day is perfectly fine, even throughout my entire pregnancy. Of course I wouldn't change anything and am so, so, so happy to be 26 weeks along with my sweet girls.

We're slowly preparing the nursery. We've now gone through two painters who either won't call us back or don't show. It's really frustrating...don't these people want work? If anyone has a good painter in Chicago, let me know!

We've taken a few classes at the hospital where I'll deliver and I'm glad we're doing this now as it's getting harder and harder to sit for long periods of time. The labor and deliver class was over 8 hours and it was super uncomfy to sit for that long. So I'm glad we're done with that!

Our cribs should arrive this week and then we're pretty much set in terms of furniture. The next big decision will be the stroller...it's so confusing with so many choices out there! Luckily a mutual friend who has 10-month old twins loaned me her snap-n-go along with a TON of other stuff, so we're set for at least the beginning.

Ahhhh....now I'm talking like I might actually bring home babies after all this. I so hope that is the case.

Ling update

2010-12-14T09:47:00.005-06:00

We had our follow-up appointment with the MFM yesterday to check out Ling's ticker. HUGE sign of relief that the PACs are much improved. So much that they are barely detectable. Last week her heart was skipping every other beat or so, but at the appointment it only happened once or twice in two minutes! The doctor said she was very pleased and is quite sure it is a transient condition related to the development of her little heart. The doc also reiterated that Ling's heart is 100% structurally normal and that she is not concerned about the PACs themselves, just if they caused her heart rate to increase past 160/170. Both Ting and Ling's heart rates were safely in the 150s. So we'll go back for a recheck and growth scan in two weeks, but no need for a fetal echocardiogram at this point. PHEEEEEEW!

It was fun to see the babies on the ultrasound again and they did the cutest thing by repositioning themselves so their heads are right next to each other. So sweet!! What's not so sweet is that they are both breech at this point. My doc said they can still move in the next couple of weeks, but by 28/29 weeks, twins usually get to the position they'll stay in. So it may be a planned c-section for me. Which is ok, since I've been preparing for that all along.

I also had an appointment with my OB, which was uneventful. I lost 3 lbs, which is undoubtedly due to the stress of Ling's PACs, but my weight gain is still around 25 lbs, so right on track. Cervix looks good, although I did spot again after the internal exam, but totally normal my OB assured me. I did ask about the occasional tightening of my stomach that I've been noticing. Since it happened to be tight RIGHT THEN, my OB felt it and said it was probably a mild contraction! What?! She said it's totally normal and to be expected at this stage of pregnancy with twins. She said just be aware of them and if they start happening more than 6 times in an hour or become painful, to come in. OK!

My OB also prepared me for the fact that average gestation for twins is 34-35 weeks. Which means in 10 weeks the girls could be here! Crazy. I'm just hoping and praying and hoping some more that they don't come any sooner!

Anyway, thank you all for your kind words of concern and reassurance. You all mean so much to me. Thank you.

Brighter things

2010-12-09T09:39:00.010-06:00

In an attempt to relieve my mind from the almost constant worry about our upcoming appointment on Monday, I've been frantically shopping as if it was the day before Christmas. Here are some of the treasures I've purchased thus far.

These moccasins for my mom who loves wild shoes:

{House of Harlow}

This turntable for my dad who has a really cool record collection from the 60s and 70s:

{TEAC}

A bag for my bro who I thought would never step foot in a gym and now can't spend enough time there:

{Nike}

An espresso machine for B (and me once the babies are born!):

{Crate and Barrel}

And finally these sweet matching knit outfits for Ting and Ling:

{Egg Baby}

There isn't much on my list this year other than two healthy babies, but I have been secretly coveting this diaper bag:

{StorkSak}

What great finds have you found this year?

A mother's worry

2010-12-08T10:08:00.002-06:00

As much as I am trying to lean on the statistics and my doctor's reassurance, I cannot shake the deep fear and worry that something is really wrong with my little Ling. Of course I've done oodles of online research since they diagnosed the PACs at Monday's appointment and most of what I've read is quite reassuring.

PACs themselves are harmless and 99% of the time resolve on their own and require no medical intervention. However, there is a 1% chance that the PACs will lead to an elevated or lowered heart rate, or are related to a heart defect (which they have no evidence of thus far), which could have significant consequences for Ling. I guess they can treat the heart rate with medication that I would take during the rest of my pregnancy, but still...the thought that anything is wrong with my little one fills me with fear so deep that I can barely breathe.

My mom tried to cheer me up while we were waiting for the ultrasound and said that the girls are just preparing me for the lifetime of worry that comes with being a mom. And I suppose she's right. But I am a worrier by nature. I often list things that I need to worry about as I'm falling asleep... and a heart problem is the one thing I FORGOT to worry about. It's always the thing you forget to worry about, isn't it?

Monday can't come soon enough. This feels like the longest week ever.

We aren't telling anyone other than our parents about what we learned on Monday. We don't want any additional worry from our friends at this point...hopefully HOPEFULLY this will all be a thing of the past and a non-issue. Please please please...

If it's not one thing...

2010-12-06T10:45:00.005-06:00

Today's reassurance appointment with my OB was anything but. I mentioned in my post on Friday that I was freaking out about my cervix/pre-term labor and booked a quickie appt. with my OB to check everything out. The appointment started out just like any other. The internal exam proved my cervix is just fine and no cause for concern. Then she took out the doppler, and I told her she didn't need to since I was headed downstairs to the hi-risk OB (MFM) office for my first growth scan. "Let's just take a quick listen" she said.

The next few moments were those of pure terror as I heard my baby's heartbeat sound anything but normal. Thump thump....thumpthumpthump......thump......thumpthump.....etc. My OB furrowed her brow and told me that my poor little baby was having arrhythmia. Terror doesn't even describe what I felt.

A quick check of the other heartbeat (very normal) confirmed that one of the babies was indeed having an irregular heartbeat.

"Good thing you're going for your growth scan after this...I'm going to call down and make sure the MFM takes a look at this." Great. Oh, and when I got dressed I realized I was spotting...the nurse told me to go down to the MFM and then come back to the OB's office to discuss the spotting. Double great.

So off I went, tears streaming down my face to the MFM office. My mom met me at the MFM office, which was planned, because she wanted to see the babies. I'm so glad she was there to support me during this awful morning. We waited what felt like forever and finally we went back for the ultrasound, which confirmed that Ling does indeed have premature atrial contractions (PACs). Basically something is out of sync, causing the irregular beats. The MFM was extremely reassuring and said to her it seemed very benign and is quite common. She also said that Ling's heart rate is not elevated, which is good. She spent a loooooong time looking at her heart and still felt that it was nothing to be worried about right now.

So I go back to the MFM in a week. If the PACs are still there, then I'll go to a fetal cardiologist for a fetal echo cardiogram. Interestingly, the doctor kept asking if I drank a lot of coffee or caffeinated beverages. I haven't actually had any caffeine this weekend, except for a cup of hot chocolate at a baby shower.

Anyway, so after the ultrasound I went back to my OB to discuss the spotting. Totally normal she said, since she gave it a pretty good push during the internal exam. As long as it stops after today, nothing to worry about. And, she was very relieved about the report from the MFM.

I'm still bawling. So scared. So upset. But relieved that most likely my baby girl is ok.

Oh, and the growth scan was perfect. Both babies measuring about 1.5lbs and right on track.

Dreams

2010-12-04T08:56:00.004-06:00

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, I've had recurring dreams about losing the babies. I thought after the end of the first trimester the dreams would stop, but they haven't. They're too sad and scary to detail here. I often wake up crying.

I was having one of those dreams last night when I was awoken by a gentle thump thump in my belly. Little Ting woke up her mommy to let her know that everything is okay. What a lovely reassurance.

Here is my (almost) 24 weeks picture. I really should take more formal pictures, but this is what we have for now.

Still here

2010-12-03T07:38:00.004-06:00

Hi. I'm still here. Sorry for the long silence, but I've been struggling with what to write about without sounding ungrateful or being hurtful to my blog friends still struggling to conceive. Things have been chugging along. I've gained 25 lbs now (eek) and my belly is measuring well ahead of my 24 weeks at almost 30 weeks! Ting and Ling are super active, kicking, punching, swimming....whatever they're doing in there....and I love it. The other day I was in a meeting and Ling was kicking up a storm and I felt like my heart might explode. I sat there with three male executives with the dopiest, dreamiest grin on my face, just so excited to feel my little girls.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday for a regular check-up with my OB's office. I saw the youngest doc in the practice, who I like, but I just don't get the same reassurance from her as I do my regular OB. Everything is good. Weight on track, BP low, etc. etc. She did the usual manual cervical check and pronounced my cervix "long and closed" - but "soft". She must have seen my look of horror because she quickly said it's nothing to worry about and everything is "fine" and "don't worry." Then she patted my knee and told me to come back in two weeks.

Who knew that the word "soft" would send me into a tailspin. On the verge of tears. Panicked that my girls will come too early. Maybe it's preggo hormones, or maybe just being SO close to viability, but I freaked the fuck out. I googled for a full afternoon and learned that a "soft" cervix is NOT a good thing. I couldn't stand to wait two more weeks, so I booked an appointment with my main OB first thing Monday morning. Having the appointment makes me feel much better, and I hope my OB will have a good explanation of what is going on and hopefully some major reassurance. I'll keep you posted.

ANYWAY, in kind of funny news....a few weeks ago we had our biometric screenings at work. I told the nurse that I was pregnant (duh) and she said none of the test results would be relevant, but I should do it anyway since we get a discount on our insurance. I told myself I wouldn't take it too seriously, but the results were shocking. My cholesterol jumped 100 points from last year, my weight puts me in the "overweight" category, and my 37' waist circumference (up more than 10 inches from last year) puts me at borderline "obese"! Haha. The only good things were my low blood pressure and glucose. Yay? I was most concerned about the cholesterol, but my doctor assured me that cholesterol is meaningless in pregnancy and will always be high. Phew...I thought all the cheese I'd been eating had really caught up with me. So despite the depressing screening, I let it roll off my shoulder.

Then last week I got something in the mail.

Dear A,

We care about your wellbeing! At a recent biometric screening, we identified several factors that put you at greater risk for heart disease, cancer, and stroke. Here are some easy ways to reduce your risk and take steps to a healthier lifestyle......blah blah blah.

The letter then proceeded to tell me all about the benefits of eating well, exercise, and weight loss. No mention of the fact that I am PREGNANT.

Insult to injury? Yes. Funny? Definitely. I hope I get a huge congratulations letter next year when (hopefully) my results are back to normal!

The day I cried at Ik ea

2010-11-15T12:26:00.008-06:00

I've told you all this before, but I am not a crier. I haven't cried at any of our ultrasounds...or really at all during my pregnancy. I think I managed to squeeze out a few tears when I shared initial pregnancy news with B, but really nothing since then. Oh, except for a meltdown during my nightmare trip to China in September....but that was mostly out of frustration. Anyway, I was totally caught off guard when tears of joy (not frustration!) started flowing at Ik ea of all places.

B and I made the long trip our to the 'burbs to pick up some stuff for the nursery. I found this darling fabric...I have no idea what I'm going to do with it...but I just fell in love with it. As the girl cut my requested yardage, I just started crying. I just couldn't believe that we are finallythat couple. The one that gets to go to Ik ea and pick out baby stuff. The couple I always envied, and was so afraid we'd never be. Of course I'm still nervous about all that can still go wrong, but for that moment, I was simply overcome with joy. But alas, my stoic side quickly kicked in and I blinked back tears as I made my way back to B in the rug department.

In other news, I think I am officially retiring my tennis racquet for the rest of my pregnancy. I've now lost three consecutive matches (that I should have easily won) and I'm more frustrated than anything with my sub-par skills. Plus, my back aches for about three days afterwards. It's just not worth it and not fun. So yoga and walking it is from here on out.

And, finally, a quick brother/new girlfriend update. The good news: They broke up. Apparently she is drinking again and he realized he can't be with someone that doesn't support his sober lifestyle. I can't say I am disappointed. Plus, it's awesome that he continues to make good choices about his own sobriety. The bad news: They met last spring. So my biggest fear was confirmed, that he did in fact cheat on my ex-sister-in-law when they were still together. It makes me sick and I can't properly articulate how much this upsets me. So I will stoically refrain from commenting on that for now.

But to end on a happy note, here are my kitties exploring our purchases at Ik ea. And, a 21 week belly shot. I apologize for the poor quality, but the only time I seem to remember to take a picture is as I'm running out the door.

{Lenny and George checking out the new rug...they approve}

{George thinks we bought him a new bed!}

{huge, eh??}

Calmed down

2010-11-11T11:29:00.005-06:00

Thank you guys so much for your opinion on the situation with my brother and his new girlfriend. You guys are totally right and brought me back down to earth. Who he brings to Thanksgiving is not my say, and I need to focus on supporting him 100%, whether or not I agree with the choices he's making.

I guess the timing of the divorce announcement a few months ago really threw me. I was so nervous/excited/scared/distracted by my own pregnancy, I don't think I fully acknowledged or accepted the divorce. Now when things like new girlfriends make it so real, I think I'm reacting very emotionally and not rationally.

So, thank you for your input and preventing me from going ape shit on my brother next time I see him :)

I guess the hardest part is that sometimes I feel closer to my SIL than my brother. His behavior for all these years really tore us apart. I mean, we're close on the surface...we get along, we laugh, we never argue. But it doesn't feel very deep, since he pushed people away for so long. Over the years (my bro and ex dated for 6 years before getting married last summer) my SIL and I have grown really close and we experienced a lot of dramatic and scary situations together when my brother would go on a bender. However, I know this divorce is best for both of them...she is unwilling (or unable) to be completely sober for him, and he simply can't be with someone that doesn't fully support his recovery.

Anyway, I know that I need to focus on my relationship with my brother and hope that in time my wounds from his hurtful behavior will heal and that our brother/sister bond can grow. I have no doubt that the new girl is lovely and good for him and the least I can do is give her a chance.

Thanks, friends.

Confuzzled

2010-11-10T15:20:00.004-06:00

UGH. I don't want to be blogging about this and writing about sad stuff when I am so unbelievably happy with MY life right now. But, my friends, you offer me the best advice and I just don't know what to do...nor do I have anyone to talk to about this "in real life" right now.

You may remember if you've been following for a while, that my brother is an addict. We've had years of crisis after crisis and countless sleepless nights over his health and safety. You may also remember that he finally went to rehab over the summer and came back a new person (right around the time I found out I was pregnant). Unfortunately his wife was not part of his new life plan (for good reason...she's a party girl) and they are in the process of getting divorced. I repeat: in the process of getting divorced.

I have very mixed feelings about the whole divorce thing. I am SO happy for my brother and so happy that he is totally, 100% committed to sobriety and has found a new love of exercise, eating healthy, and studying at law school. However, I dearly love my ex-sister-in-law. Luckily our friendship has remained largely unchanged since their separation. I see her quite often for dinner, I fed her cat while she was out of town, we gave her our old couch, I see her at many mutual friends' parties and outings. She may not be my sister-in-law anymore, but she is still my friend.

So my mom calls this morning and drops the bomb. My brother has a girlfriend. Um.....what?! I am NOT ok with this. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but marriage is marriage and despite being separated, they are still legally married. Second, my brother has been sober for about 5 months...is he really ready to jump into another relationship so soon? According to my mom the new girl is the primary caretaker of her alcoholic mother and a non-drinker herself...so a good fit for my brother, I suppose. But it makes me so angry and sad for my former sis-in-law that my heart hurts. I feel like she was thrown out like a dirty dish rag after standing by my brother for so long. Her loyalty is one of her best qualities and the one that ended up hurting her the most.

My mom mentioned the possibility of my brother bringing the new girl to Thanksgiving. NO NO NO NO. Right?!?! It just seems so wrong.

My parents are blinded because they are so over the moon that my brother is happy and healthy. I think they are willing to overlook the fact that my brother did some really shitty things to his wife and was a bad son/brother/husband/friend for a very long time. I understand their focus is his sobriety and everything else is secondary, but I just can't get over the fact that this is too soon.

So, I guess my question is...do I speak up and put my foot down about her coming to Thanksgiving? Or is it none of my business?

Hello!

2010-11-08T15:40:00.007-06:00

Hi there. Long time no talk, huh? Sorry I've been MIA from blogging and commenting. I was in South Carolina all last week to be maid-of-honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a very DIY wedding, thus very frantic and stressful at the last minute (we picked up the cake one hour before the wedding and my friend still wasn't dressed or ready!!), but everything turned out beautifully. And, I am very thankful for the maternity-friendly wrap dress she had the bridesmaids wear. I think it may have been warmer in Chicago than South Carolina, but it was still lovely, despite us all shaking on the beach during the (thankfully short) ceremony! It was great to see my bestie and hang out with her for a few days before and after the wedding.

In other news, we had our anatomy scan today! I was quite distracted this past week with the wedding, but I started to get really anxious last night. Ugh, I guess it never gets better, does it. Well, I'm happy to say that our baby girls are perfect! It was a loooooong ultrasound, partly because the girls were not cooperating and it took two ultrasound techs to get the right views of their hearts (all ok, phew!). Plus, I had to take two "time outs" and lay on my side because I was getting light headed from being on my back for so long. Anyway, all is good and the babies are each about 13 oz...nearly a pound each!

Here are some pictures from a carriage tour of Beaufort we took while in South Carolina. Despite the sunny skies, it was cold!!

Checking in

2010-10-26T11:30:00.004-05:00

This morning I had yet another ultrasound...this time to check cervical length, which they will do every two weeks until 24 weeks. I was thrilled to learn that my cervix actually GREW an entire centimeter since the last measurement. Phew! I have been seriously stressed about the whole incompetent cervix thing and despite my OB's reassurance last week, I was still nervous for today's "official" measurement. Dr. Sweet (my OB) is so incredibly awesome and offered to do a quick check next week before I head to South Carolina for my friend's wedding. "So I won't be stressed out," as she said. Boy, does this Dr. get me or what?

Anyway, boring cervical stuff aside, I just wanted to say once again how very very thankful I am to be here today. Pregnant with my sweet Ting and Ling. Last weekend hubs and I had a lovely dinner with Egg and her hubs. I think I'm still in shock that we are both pregnant, with twins, due just one month apart. It's too crazy, right?! I guess we have Dr. Awesome to thank for that :)

I often think about our first Chicago-blogger meet-up last February. Erin had just found out she was pregnant (didn't know they were twins yet!) and the rest of us were still waiting. Now, less than a year later, we are all either mothers or pregnant. I always thought I'd end up taking the statistical bullet for the group...the one person who fertility treatments didn't work for. Maybe I still will...I know I am still very far from welcoming our sweet girls into the world. But I thank our lucky stars every night that we've all found success, whether through a miracle BFP like AL or through fertility treatments.

Last but certainly not least, I think about all my blogger friends who are still waiting for their babies and I just want you to know that I think about you all every day and hope and pray that your babies are very, very near.

News flash from an IF news junkie

2010-10-25T12:19:00.006-05:00

I don't know about you guys, but I am pretty obsessed with all things fertility-news related. This is embarrassing, but I even have a Google news alerts for AMH, which was my primary obsession since getting the devastating diagnosis earlier this year.

Anyway, I thought this was really interesting, especially considering I just learned that I am O positive. See, I was always really healthy and never had my blood drawn prior to IF. I am not able to donate blood because I lived in the UK in the 80s and there is fear that mad cow disease could be transferred via blood transfusion (uh...wouldn't I have it by now??). So no one wants my blood. Sad. I only just found out my blood type after my initial pregnancy bloodwork. Very interesting that there is a link between blood type and diminished ovarian reserve.

Blood type O link to fertility problems

However, women with blood group A appear better protected against lower egg counts

By Tim Locke
WebMD Health News

Reviewed by Dr Roger Henderson

25^th October 2010 - Researchers say having type O blood can affect a woman’s chances of getting pregnant.

Scientists from Yale, Montifore and Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the US have produced a study which finds patients with type O blood were at double the risk of diminished ovarian (egg) reserve than women of other blood types.

They’re presenting their results to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) annual conference in Denver.

However one UK expert on fertility says more research needs to be done after these “surprising and stark” findings.

See the journey from egg to embryo

The study

Researchers measured women, under age 45, for levels of the reproductive hormone FSH. Women with an FSH level greater than 10 are considered to have diminished ovarian reserve.

They made adjustments for other fertility factors: age and BMI (body mass index), then compared women’s blood types and FSH levels.

Women with type A or AB blood types were significantly less likely to have an FSH greater than 10 than were women with O or B blood types.

“This is a novel look at a poorly understand part of reproductive ageing. Through studies like these we will be better able to understand the complexities of the human reproductive system,” says Dr William Gibbons, President of the ASRM.

In the UK, 44% of the population is type O, 42% type A, 10% type B and 4% AB.

More research needed

Professor Richard Fleming, is a director of the Glasgow Centre for Reproductive Medicine. “The results do seem quite surprising and stark in the distribution that your see between the blood groups,” he tells us.

However, he cautions that the FSH method used to measure fertility in the US study isn’t the most accurate available: “The method used to diagnose the state of ovarian reserve in this study is really not the best way of testing.

“It is fairly good at assessing extremes of egg reserve, but it can’t differentiate between normal and high and perhaps not even low normal.”

He says a better test is to get a woman’s anti-mullerian hormones measured. The newer test is more expensive than FSH. It is available through fertility professionals, but not always on the NHS. “It is a more precise marker of ovarian reserve,” he tells us.

Should women with type O blood wanting to have a baby worry? “It is an interesting, and to me, quite surprising finding, that needs to be substantiated. Therefore, the implication for someone with type O is number one: don’t worry.”

“Number two,” if women have fertility concerns, Fleming says, “get their AMH measured not their FSH.”

Funny story and belly shot

2010-10-18T11:12:00.007-05:00

This weekend was a fun one, filled with friend's birthday parties, prenatal yoga, shopping...the fact that the weather is gorgeous didn't hurt either! On Saturday night B and I went to the 40th anniversary party for our tennis club. The club is pretty well known in the tennis world as one of the biggest facilities in the country and lots of big names have either played at the club or visited at some point. So the anniversary party was a pretty big shin-dig. I wore this dress:

Thinking I was super brave and cool I paired it with black tights and these giant heels:

Unfortunately I was miserable and only lasted two hours at the 5-hour party :( Anyway, we had the opportunity to have our picture taken with some tennis celebrity-ish people at the event. I am a huge M.cEn.roe fan and John's brother Pa.trick was there, who is a big-time coach and commentator. He was sitting with Bu.d Col.lins (tennis legend!!) on a couch for pics and I wedged my big self in between the two of them for the picture. When it was time to get up I realized I had no leverage to push myself up since I was literally skin-to-skin with Pat.rick and Bu.d. I used every ounce of quad strength to get myself up without putting my hands on their thighs, but I must have looked fairly wobbly because I definietly needed a little push from behind from Pa.trick. EMBARRASSING!! My first preggo-clumsy experience, I guess :)

And, without further ado, here is a shot of that big belly (different outfit):

Well THAT was unproductive...

2010-10-13T10:21:00.005-05:00

{disclaimer: kind of gross post...}

I've been reading this book - a really informative guide to nutrition when expecting multiples. It's really great perspective on how to keep your babies healthy and growing when you have more than one little bean in your belly. The main point is this: while women pregnant with one can safely gain as little as 15-20 pounds and still deliver a 7+lb baby, a woman pregnant with multiples cannot. First, the majority of multiple pregnancies are significantly shorter than singletons (average around 35 weeks). Second, the goal is to get two babies as big and healthy as possible before they are delivered.

The weight gain goals are much higher than what my doctor recommended. My doctor said between 35-45 pounds. This book recommends 40-55 pounds...and at least 25 pounds by 20 weeks. I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant and am pretty sure I've gained no where near 25 pounds. I had gained ONE pound at 13 weeks (although I'd gained almost 10 in the past year due to infertility treatments). I know I've gained since then, but surely not 24 pounds!

Needless to say, I was a little freaked out last night about all the weight I need to gain in order to help my babies grow as quickly as possible. So I gorged myself on the chicken lasagna my mom brought over yesterday and then sent B out to get me a pumpkin milk shake, which I forced down, while watching the Bigg.est Lo.ser I might add. BIG. MISTAKE. Two hours later it was all gone. And I mean all of it. Down the toilet.

So by trying to eat more, I ended up sabotaging my weight gain attempts. I went to bed with a stomach ache and a headache, shaky from all the puking. UGH. I need to come up with a plan to eat more continuously during the day STAT. Prior to being pregnant I had a bad habit of immersing myself in work and basically not eating the whole day. So this is a major adjustment and one that I've realized I need to be more diligent about. Goals for this week include grocery shopping and stocking up on nutritious snacks to bring to work. Any recommendations of healthy snacks that are easily portable?

In much more exciting news...I *think* I can feel these little girls moving around now!

One year ago...

2010-10-12T13:30:00.004-05:00

Today was one of the best days of my life. Seeing my little Ting and Ling so active and healthy made me the proudest mommy ever. Their little hands kept waving to me and Ling, as usual, was showing off all her tricks. My mom came with me to the appointment and her eyes lit up as soon as the babies were visible on the screen. Technology has come a long way since I was born and she was amazed at the detail we could see.

Ting and Ling look great - both measuring ahead at about 16.5 weeks. AND...they're definitely most positively GIRLS! Guess that pink and orange La.nd of No.d bedding I bought on super sale will be put to good use :)

My cervix is long and closed. They want it above 2.5mm and mine was 3.7. I was hoping it would be above 4mm, but the tech seemed to think my measurement was perfectly fine and no reason for concern. I get checked every two weeks, so at least if it gets shorter they can hopefully do something to prevent preterm labor.

Both on a high from the fun and long ultrasound, my mom reminded me that almost exactly a year ago we met for coffee and I burst into tears and confessed our trouble conceiving, and how far I've come since then. I had just failed my first Clomid round and finally (thanks to many of you) decided to reach out to her. I'm so glad I did and I'm so glad she's been a (mostly) great support for me during fertility treatments. And now we get the best reward of all, watching my little ones grow.

On a side note, many of you have mentioned my blog name. I've been thinking about it a lot and have honestly been too scared to change it. We'll see...maybe in a few weeks I'll change the title. I'm thinking about

a² + b² = c²

We'll see.

Weekend recap

2010-10-11T11:14:00.003-05:00

This past weekend B and I were in Las Vegas for a friend's wedding. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical of a Vegas wedding having never been to one before. Boy was I surprised. Beautiful hotel...small, intimate, classy ceremony...amazing dinner at a gourmet restaurant...private tables at a fun, but not too crazy club....cabanas at the pool the next day. Seriously. Vegas done right.

It was so fun to be with our friends enjoying the sun and celebrating our friend's marriage. Too bad B had to jet off early on Saturday morning (the Vegas wedding was Friday) to head to his friend's wedding in New York. As much as I missed B, I am glad I decided to skip the NY wedding and stay in Vegas an extra day. It was so nice to relax at the pool and enjoy some down time.

I guess I officially look pregnant now. Everyone, from the manicurist to the black jack dealer, asked me either when I was due or if I'm having a boy or a girl. It's still so surreal to even be pregnant, let alone have strangers notice it. I'm still really anxious, especially now that I can't hide my bulging belly. I have an appointment tomorrow to check my cervix...which makes me nervous about the stupid LEEP procedure and its effect on my cervical length. My mom is coming with me because she wants to see the babies - really hoping we have good news. Even though I just saw them 10 days ago, I still get so nervous that something has happened to my sweet Ting and Ling. Does it ever get any easier?

Latest Obsessions

2010-10-04T11:44:00.006-05:00

Happy Monday Bloggies! I feel like a new person thanks to my new friend Zof.ran and have been puke-free for 4 days in a row! Whoo hoo! My tum-tum keeps getting bigger, and a complete stranger asked me when I am due. That was a first.

Anyway, just a quick post on what makes me happy these days (besides the obvious...two babies in my belly)

Gross, huh? I haven't eaten this stuff in YEARS, but am completely obsessed and have eaten it every single day for breakfast for the past week. It's high in iron, which is good, but the butter and brown sugar I put on top are not. Still, it's an awesome comfort food, especially as the mornings are getting colder.

Gi.ggle

This is one of the stores I used to walk quickly past in fear of the stabbies setting in at the sight of pretty baby things. Now it's my favorite store. And, my parents' favorite store, too! They gave us a very generous gift card as an anniversary gift and I can't wait to use it (although I'll likely wait a few more months). B and I have picked out our crib and strollers(s) - just too scared to purchase right now.

A friend of mine is getting married this weekend in Las Vegas. We're so excited for a nice little post-anniversary getaway. We're staying at the Wynn (where the wedding is) and so many of our friends will be there. I can't wait! I had to buy an UGLY maternity bathing suit since my bikinis look ridiculous on me right now with my pooch, but the sun will still feel the same, right? Brian is jetting off a day early to get to another wedding in New York on Sunday, and I'll stay in Vegas and hang with our friends an extra day.

So, a short week for me. Woot woot!

Can you tell I'm feeling better by this awesomely upbeat post??

5 years and 15 weeks

2010-10-01T09:28:00.008-05:00

Today is our five year anniversary. It feels like just yesterday that we were married, but then I think all that we've done in those five years and it seems like a lifetime! We've had so much fun together. From amazing trips to places like Paris, South Africa, and the Pacific Northwest to romantic dinners in Chicago. From gut-busting laugh sessions with our friends to quiet nights in curled up on the couch with our sweet kitties. It's been a good 5 years. Great, actually, despite some bumps in the road. We even got through infertility, which has no doubt been the most difficult of all. Today I am just so thankful for my lovely husband and the sweet babies growing in my belly. I guess dreams do come true.

Here are some pics...one from our wedding (I'm teary because this is right after we walked out of the church as a married couple!)...one from the tennis tournament we played two days before I found out I was pregnant. I had NO inkling that I was pregnant. In fact, I was spotting and sure my period would arrive any second and we'd begin gearing up for IVF. I had no idea...and last, a quick, most unflattering pic of my 15 week belly. I think if you didn't know me you'd just assume I am fat. Oh well.

High-Risk

2010-09-30T10:43:00.004-05:00

I had my first appointment with the maternal-fetal-medicine specialist yesterday. My regular OB (Dr. Sweet - seriously, the sweetest woman ever), suggested I set up a consult in case I need to be in their care down the road. Apparently with twins you are automatically considered "high-risk." Yikes.

I scheduled an appointment with the only doctor in the practice who I could dig up some reviews of online (Dr. Famous). All were excellent and his credentials were impressive, as were the many awards he's won. I was extremely disappointed when I arrived at my appointment to learn that Dr. Famous was not on the schedule anymore and I would be consulting with another physician in the practice. The nurse assured me that everyone loves this doctor and that she was a long-time partner of Dr. Famous. Ok, fine.

Sidenote, the nurse at the MFM office was the kindest, nicest, most helpful nurse I've ever had in my entire life. It was a great start. I asked if I would have an ultrasound and she said it wasn't scheduled, but she could "sneak" me in for a quick peak. LOVE her. Ting and Ling look great and are still girls as far as we can tell! She also brought me ice cold water and graham crackers when I started looking a little green. Nicest nurse ever!

Ok, so the consult. In walks Dr. Sharp. I'll call her Dr. Sharp because she is quick, to-the-point, but somehow still really compassionate and patient. Wow, that's a lot of personality for a doctor! I loved her, to say the least. I do really like my OB Dr. Sweet, but she is super duper sweet...almost too sweet. I kind of like the no-nonsense approach of Dr. Sharp. All in all, the combo is a great team to be managing my pregnancy, in my opinion.

Dr. Sharp laid out the facts. With twins the risk of incompetent cervix is about 4%. Having had a procedure on my cervix, brings my risk to about 7%. I had a LEEP procedure about 7 years ago. Biggest mistake of my life. I had a midly abnormal pap and my over-zealous doctor at the time immediately did a procedure on my cervix to remove the bad cells. Well, the pathology of the removed tissue was completely, 100% normal - they think the abnormal pap was just a yeast infection. At the time I was so freaked out by the thought of cancer, I never gave any thought to the potential damage it would do to my cervix. UGH. The good news is that the LEEP was conservative and only a tiny bit of my cervix was removed. But still, to think that now I'm at a heightened risk for incompetent cervix, in addition the risk from twins, is scary.

Anyway, Dr. Sharp said they will monitor me carefully with an ultrasound every two weeks to measure my cervix. If it starts to shorten, they can prescribe vaginal progesterone (really??? thought I was done with that), bed rest, or a cerclage (the stitch to keep the cervix closed). She reassured me that the risk is still very low and chances are good that I can carry these babies for a long time. Please let her be right!!!!

In other news (sorry, this post is getting long), I bit the bullet and filled my prescription for Zofran. I haven't blogged about it because I really don't want to come across as whine-y complain-y pregnant IFer, but I've been sick. Really, really sick....vomiting several times a day and non-stop nausea. Since I'm now almost 15 weeks and the nausea is only getting worse, Dr. Sharp said it will probably last at least a few more weeks if not longer. I kept telling myself that I could make it to 12 weeks and avoid taking any drugs. Since 12 weeks came and went with no relief, and I had a really scary episode this weekend when I passed out while making a mad dash to the bathroom, I finally relented to the drugs and decided to give Zofran a try. Day one and my world is completely different! No pukies! No nausea! Sweet, sweet relief.

Changing seasons

2010-09-24T13:16:00.003-05:00

It was a steamy 90 degrees here in Chicago yesterday and I've decided that today's 60ish degree weather is much more suited to my mood these days. After a spring and summer filled with fertility treatments, worry, and fear, I'm aching for a new season to start to really embrace my changing body and all the positive things in my life right now. The crispness in today's morning air was a welcome sign of fall...and the changing season.

I love fall for so many reasons. I love wearing a sweater or light coat without feeling too hot or too cold. I love the smell of apple cider or a pumpkin spice latte. I love remembering October 1, 2005 when I married my sweet husband who is my rock through everything.

I keep thinking back to this time a year ago, during my first round of Clomid. I was so naive back then...so scared to be taking a pill to ovulate...but so excited that I could soon be pregnant. Looking back, I was so full of hope despite the fear about beginning treatments. After the unsuccessful Clomid rounds and the first RE appointment last winter, the dark months really began. When I got my AMH results and was faced with the fact that I may not ever be able to get pregnant, that there was a reason we hadn't conceived, I fell into a really bad place. Yes, I tried to be brave and take things as they came, but the pit in my stomach still lingers even to this day. After our first two IUIs failed, I was somehow more hopeful because I had responded to the drugs and everyone seemed optimistic about my chances for future success.

I never blogged about this because it seemed irrelevant after I found out I was pregnant the next day, but the IVF consult with Dr. Awesome was not so awesome. Basically he said my AMH level (even the 1.0 retest) is significantly low and my chances for success with IVF were somewhere around 30 percent (as opposed to 60-70 percent based on my age). He braced me for low egg retrieval, low fertilization, and chances of being cancelled due to poor response. When I asked about genetic testing on remaining embryos, he said I'd be lucky to even have one or two to transfer. He suggested donor eggs as an option.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Dr. Awesome and truly believe he is the best doctor I've ever had. He is honest, and forthcoming and I never felt like he would give up on me, no matter what treatment course we chose. But he presented the facts and the statistics and it scared the shit out of me. I sobbed that night when we got home and felt like my world was crumbling. My hope was non-existent. But then less than 24 hours later I got the call with my beta results that were taken at my consult. Pregnant. I couldn't believe it.

And here I am today, 14 weeks pregnant with twins and, dare I say it, full of hope again. I don't really know where this post went, and I'm sorry for rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am ready to look forward and begin this new season.

Reality (very pregnancy-related)

2010-09-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

Boy, this is all feeling very, very real right now. In a good way! To say I had a pregnancy-filled weekend is an understatement. Friday night I went to a BBQ with all my tennis buddies. I figured since everyone was all together and I'm officially in the second trimester, it was an appropriate time to share the news. It was fun to see everyone's surprised faces when I told them about the pregnancy and then their doubly surprised faces when I told them about the twinsies. All the girls were really supportive and it felt great to feel like a "normal" pregnant person for once. It's weird, though, every time I tell someone the news, I have this strange reaction where I convince myself that I just made it all up. Like I fabricated the entire pregnancy and am living a lie. I guess that's what happens when you hope for something for 3 1/2 years and it finally becomes reality.

Saturday I met a friend for prenatal yoga (super boring, if you ask me, but I know it's good for me). The studio was gorgeous and the instructor was friendly and even pointed me in the direction of the cookie tin in the middle of the room if my morning sickness got the best of me during the class. So sweet! After class we spent some time in a darling all-organic baby store. I had no idea how much cute twins stuff there is. Of course I'm too scared to buy anything, but this was the first time I actually ventured into a store. Saturday night I was feeling better than normal, so I met some friends for dinner and then even went out to meet up with some other friends. Go me!

To continue the preggo weekend even further, on Sunday I met sweet fellow blogger A from The Baby Race for lunch. Afterwards we went to another awesome baby store and an even awesome-r maternity store. I have five weddings between this weekend and the end of November, so I needed a dress to wear since my belly is freaking HUGE already. A is super stylish, so I knew she'd help me find the perfect dress. Here's what I left with, and I adore it.

B and I even went as far as cleaning out our 2nd bedroom (i.e. nursery) and reorganizing our closets and other furniture around the apartment. We bought our 3-bedroom in 2007 with every plan and intention of filling it with babies asap. Unfortunately we all know things did NOT go according to plan and our "nursery" turned into "A's clothing storage room." I did some serious closet editing and boy did it feel good. I packed up all my pre-pregnancy clothes that already (eek) don't fit me and donated at least 50% of my clothes to the Sal.vation Ar.my. Phew!

Naturally after all these activities that embraced my pregnancy, I was sure I'd jinxed everything and my today's OB appointment would bring it all crashing down. Thankfully the babies look great and waved to me during the ultrasound :) My cervix is long and closed, and the results of our NT screen puts our risk at 1/10,000 which is as low as the lab goes. Huge sigh of relief. I really appreciate that when the geneticist called she said "Hi, I have good news" right of the bat - nice strategy!

Sorry for the long post, and sorry for all the pregnancy stuff. My heart aches every day for my friends still praying for their babies. Still on a high from my good OB appointment this morning, I ended up driving the same route that I used to take from my RE appointments. The memories of those treatment-filled days came rushing back and filled me with sadness that while I am so very very lucky, there are so many others still waiting. Just know that I am here rooting for you every minute and every day and that I will never, ever forget.

12 weeks and a prediction (updated with pictures)

2010-09-14T11:48:00.004-05:00

We had our NT screening this morning. Ting and Ling look great and were flipping around - SO CUTE. Good news - the nuchal measurements were great and our risk right now for Downs and other chromosomal issues is extremely low. We'll get the final percentage chance once the blood work is in, but all is good for now. Both babies are measuring a few days ahead at 12 weeks 1 day. We are so in love with our......

GIRLS!?!?!

The ultrasound tech said that her "educated guess" is two girls! I honestly could not care either way, as long as they're healthy. But it's fun to start thinking about names and colors and stuff. I don't think we'll be buying anything until the official 20-week ultrasound though :)

I see my regular OB next week, the hi-risk specialist the next...it's like one doctor's appointment after another. It's very exciting and I finally feel sort of out-of-the-woods. I know we still have a long way to go from here, but something about reaching 12 weeks is just so reassuring.

{Ting}

{Ling}

Greetings from Hong Kong

2010-09-11T17:46:00.003-05:00

Hi Friends! Finally, I am able to get on Blogger! I've been in Shenzhen (mainland China) since Wednesday where Blogger/Facebook/Twitter are blocked. I've been keeping up with all of you by reading posts on my phone, but unable to comment. I will catch up next week...promise!

It's been a rough trip. I am so thankful to have an awesome job that lets me travel the world and take on exciting projects with lots of responsibility. However, I would NOT recommend traveling to sketchy areas of China while 12 weeks pregnant. The flight over here was fine, and thanks to business class, even the 7 hour delay wasn't that bad. The executive lounge kept my nausea at bay with unlimited salty snacks and Coke (I know caffeine is bad, but it really helps the nausea when it's at its worst).

Anyway, I flew into Hong Kong, but stayed the first three nights in a city called Shenzhen. A few problems: 1. The hotel had flooded due to typhoon season and the entire building reeked of mildew; 2. Everyone in China smokes and even a "non-smoking room" smells like an ashtray; 3. No one, not even the front desk, spoke English; 4. The trade fair I went to was outside, in 95 degree heat and extreme humidity (ever done Bikram yoga? Yeah...felt just like that). I threw up every time I entered my hotel room and dry heaved pretty much the rest of the time. I got really dizzy several times and almost passed out at one point. Not fun. I'm normally an adventurous eater, but the nausea has really limited my diet for the past few months. The very, very authentic Chinese meals were just too much for my ~~little~~ growing every day preggo tummy. I grabbed what I thought was a safe-looking piece of chicken off a plate at lunch and it turned out to be the head - beak and all! UGH!

Ok, so enough complaining. And, please don't think I'm trying to bitch about morning sickness/pregnancy. I'm not. Trust me, I find nothing more annoying than pregnant infertiles who complain about pregnancy. I've welcomed my morning sickness and am thankful every day to have signs that my babies are growing. It's just the past few days have been really challenging...and would be for anyone.

I decided I'd had enough of Shenzhen and partly out of fear that I was doing something to harm my babies, I ditched Shenzhen a day early and headed back to Hong Kong. I booked a nice hotel, upgraded my room, and cried with relief when I took a deep breath of the jasmine-scented pillows in my room. As it turns out, a friend of mine was performing with the Hon.g Ko.ng Philh.armonic, so after a stop at Burger King (so gross, I know, but I hadn't eaten a real "meal" in several days and it was the only thing that sounded good to me), I went to his concert and spent some time exploring the city. Hong Kong is incredible and really beautiful. I wish B was here with me, because I know he'd really love it.

I'm heading back to Chicago today and can't wait to be in the comforts of my own home. Hopefully I'll make it home in time to watch Rafa claim his first U.S. Open final!

P.S. If you're so inclined, please say a little prayer/wish/thought that our NT screening on Tuesday goes well. I'm so nervous and am hoping with everything I've got that our babies are healthy!

Have a lovely weekend!

2010-09-03T10:39:00.000-05:00

Hi bloggies, just wanted to say happy holiday weekend to my American bloggies and just happy weekend to my friends in Canada, Australia, and beyond! Per usual, we're heading up to Wisconsin for the long weekend and I know I'm looking forward to some serious vegging. We'll make our annual trip to the county fair to enjoy Midwestern delicacies like fried cheese curds, chicken on a stick, and elephant ears. Jealous, aren't you?

I'll try to check in before I leave, but I'll be in Hong Kong all next week, so I may be a bit MIA for a while. I hope these babies like to travel, because they've already been to New York, Cape Cod, and now China. After that it's Vegas and South Carolina for weddings this fall. My kumquat-sized world travelers :)

Getting called out at 10 weeks?

2010-08-31T07:54:00.003-05:00

Yikes. Two people have now accused me of being pregnant. Last week at the Ray LaMontagne concert, I ran into one of my close friends. "Oh my god, you're pregnant!" she exclaimed! "Who told you?" I demanded. "No one! I can tell because your boobs are HUGE!" Hm. I'm guessing she has good pregnancy radar and had been suspecting anyways because I wasn't drinking at a bachelorette party the weekend before, but still.

Then, yesterday at a golf outing I ran into an old co-worker. She is a grandmother - not in my group of peers and not someone I would consider a friend. "So good to see you! And I see that you're expecting!" Huh? Ok, I was totally bloated, but I don't think I look pregnant enough for someone to say that to me. What if I'd just gained a couple pounds?

I've now told my group of friends about the pregnancy, but I'm not ready for the word to get out at work. I guess I need to figure out better ways to dress to hide this bump a little longer. I didn't really think the bump was noticeable, but I guess it is! Is it normal to be showing with twins at 10 weeks?

First OB Appointment

2010-08-27T09:53:00.001-05:00

**This post is entirely about pregnancy and twins, so if you're not up to it, please feel free to skip this post**

I had my first "normal" OB appointment yesterday and quickly learned that with twins, nothing is "normal" - I'm a bit overwhelmed with information and B and I are trying to process it all without getting completely ahead of ourselves.

I was SO nervous, and I felt so strange sitting in the waiting room with all the other preggos - I still feel like such an outsider, which I guess is really normal for IFers. Anyway, I met with a different doctor in the practice than normal since my main OB/GYN is booked through September. She is very, very young, but I like her a lot. She just had a baby herself and made a passing reference to infertility, so I have an inkling getting pregnant was no walk in the park for her either. We went through medical history, blah blah blah and then FINALLY got to the ultrasound (why do they do this last?! They'd never do that at an RE's office - they understand our anxiety!). Anyway, the babies look great and are starting to look like real babies! We even got to listen to their heartbeats, which was amazing. Both babies are measuring ahead (9w3d - should have been 9w1d based on last ultrasound) and the doctor said miscarriage risk is very low at this point, although I choose to remain cautiously optimistic. We have started sharing the news with close friends now, which has been fun, although I can't help but fear we're jinxing ourselves.

We've started calling our little babies Ting and Ling. I have NO idea why, it just kind of fell out of my mom's mouth as she was trying to sing some Buddy Holly song to the babies with the lyrics ting-a-ling, and I thought it was hilarious, so I think it's going to stick. I know, we're weird.

Here is just a quick bullet list of my observations/questions...so advice from other twin mommies is much appreciated.

- The babies are Dichorionic-Diamniotic, which apparently is good
- Baby A (Ting) is squashing Baby B (Ling) - poor little Ling! Dr. said it's totally normal and Ling will be just fine, still it makes me sad
- Doctor recommended the 1st trimester screening. This makes me nervous because of false positives, which she said is even higher in twin pregnancies. Still, I think we'll go ahead with the testing. More knowledge is better in my opinion...plus I have to have a consult with a high-risk OB anyways because it's routine with twins
- Exercise ok, but no running due to risk of pre-term labor with twins
- I should gain 35-45 lbs - yikes! I've already gained 6 lbs since my last GYN appointment...thanks infertility!
- My pelvis is big enough to try to deliver vaginally if I want (uh...thanks?), but there's still a good chance of needing C-section
- I need to take additional folic acid and calcium in addition to my prenatal
- IF-anxiety-induced question...the babies' heartrates were in the 150s...that seems low???? Dr. said it was absolutely normal, but still freaks me out a bit

My next appointment will be the appointment with the high-risk OB and NT screening...probably in the next two weeks or so. Is this really happening? I can't wait to watch my poppy seeds bloom!

8 weeks and a little sad about something else

2010-08-19T15:14:00.000-05:00

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today. It feels so strange to even be writing that. Somehow I never pictured myself pregnant. Sure, I hoped and prayed and then hoped some more, but I never thought it would actually happen. Even now, as I'm running to the bathroom for my morning dry heave, it still feels like a dream. A really amazing one where I feel sick all the time and want to sleep all day :)

I'm still dealing with the IFer anxiety and worry almost constantly that something will go wrong, but I'm taking it day by day and trying to enjoy it as much as possible. My next appointment is my first with a regular OB, scheduled for next week. Hoping with everything I've got that my babies are still there and growing.

Ok, on to some sad news. I mentioned a while back about my brother's issues with addiction. Back in June, he absolutely hit rock bottom and continued to spiral until he finally agreed to go to rehab. When he came home, it was like a miracle, better than we ever could have expected. He came back 100% committed to sobriety, a nicer person, a more interesting person, one who's finally able to live up to his potential. He's starting law school this week and I'm really excited for what life has in store for him.

Unfortunately his past actions can't go forgotten, and the collateral damage of his years of abuse is his marriage. He announced yesterday, very clearly and very rationally, that he and his wife are getting a divorce. While I'm sad, I'm not surprised. They both lived heavy-party lifestyles and most of their relationship centered around going out and getting wasted. I think my brother wants and needs to start completely anew, and I'm not sure his wife can or wants to leave that part of their past life. It's strange, but I really think this is the best for both of them. But it's still heartbreaking. My sister-in-law is one of my closest friends and we share a large group of mutual friends. It's going to be a tough transition, mostly for her, and I'm kind of stuck between supporting my brother and being her friend. I hope the divorce is quick and painless and they can both move on to bigger and better things. Still, it's sad and weighing on my mind.

Graduation day

2010-08-12T09:33:00.000-05:00

I graduated. I still can't believe I'm even pregnant, but slowly this is all feeling very real. I had my last ultrasound today with my RE's office. Our babies are growing strong, measuring 7 weeks with heartbeats rapping away at 135 beats per minute. I was handed my ultrasound pictures, told to make an appointment with an OB and sent on my way.

I keep thinking about a year ago. When I started this blog. When I was so scared. When I had no idea what was in store for me (months of heartbreak, scary test results, endless appointments). And here I am, twelve months later, with two blueberry-sized babies growing in my belly.

It's still early. I could be knocking on Dr. Awesome's door again in the near future. I'm still scared. But at the same time I have this immense sense of relief that this portion of the journey is over. Infertility is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever faced...three and a half long years of waiting for something that comes so easily to most. But I'm not bitter. I'm proud of my journey and will tell anyone who will lend an ear what it took to get pregnant. And maybe help others realize how miraculous the creation of life truly is.

You are getting veeeerrrrryyyy sleeeepppppyyyy

2010-08-10T10:20:00.001-05:00

I'm tired, folks. This girl, once full of endless energy, is zapped. I have to say I'm so excited to have legit pregnancy symptoms, but this is taking some getting used to. One of my best friends from college flew in for Lollapalooza this past weekend. In years past we've darted from stage to stage, literally running to catch every single band we wanted to hear. This year? Not so much. I spent a lot of time in the shade, alone, trying not to barf, as my friend happily ran off on her own. Luckily, she's a real go-getter and had another friend in town for the festival to accompany her on her mission to hear every. single. band. Phew.

Don't get me wrong. Lollapalooza was a blast. I heard everyone from Lady Gaga to Arcade Fire to Phoenix and lots in between. Pretty much heaven for me. Plus, I got to chill with Egg and her hubs for a while! Bonus!

Despite taking yesterday off work, I'm still recovering and this week isn't getting easier. A 6am flight tomorrow to Ohio - a 6pm flight back the same day, 6am ultrasound on Thursday (last one with my RE, sniff sniff), and meetings galore on Friday. The prize at the end of all this is a glorious five days in Cape Cod with B, his dad and stepmom, and my parents. Can't wait!

Hope you're all having a great week!

We have heartbeat(s)!

2010-08-05T09:28:00.000-05:00

We think. Both babies have yolk sacs and are measuring right on track. Baby A's heartbeat showed up right away - nice and strong. Probably the most amazing thing we've ever seen in our lives. Baby B also has a heartbeat, although a little faint compared to Baby A (Baby B is also much harder to visualize due to location). The ultrasound tech said this is very common, especially because Baby B is measuring one day behind Baby A. She said this is very normal and an ultrasound tomorrow may show equally strong heartbeats. So I'm assuming for now that we have two babies in there! I go back in a week for another ultrasound, which should be pretty definitive. The nurse did warn me that there's a chance Baby B's heartbeat won't develop any more, but I'm choosing to be optimistic and just wait it out until next week (easy, right?! ha, ha.)

I'm right about 6 weeks...due date 3/30/2011! Eek!

Hopes and Fears

2010-08-03T10:52:00.001-05:00

Every day of this pregnancy that goes by is filled with extremes. I vascillate between extreme happiness and joy and extreme fear and paranoia. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the idea that maybe I will actually bring a baby (or two) home after all this. Yes, I have daily reminders that I'm pregnant...sore boobs, extreme exhaustion...tiredness that I didn't know existed, waves of nausea. But it's still unbelievable to me that after more than three years, I am actually pregnant. And I really want to stay pregnant.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday. Going off the measurements of last week's ultrasound will make me 6w1d. The nurse said they should see heartbeat(s), but it might be too early. I am not sure why they aren't just waiting a few extra days to be sure there are heartbeat(s), but my RE has been pretty awesome up until this point, so I'm not going to doubt his process now.

Sorry for the boring post, but I just wanted to check in and also thank you all for your warm wishes and support. You all are amazing.

Bean counter

2010-07-29T09:06:00.000-05:00

B and I tossed and turned last night in eager anticipation of our ultrasound this morning. We both dreamed about the various potential scenarios we were to face. I braced myself for an ectopic pregnancy or an empty uterus. I prayed for a healthy little bean in my belly.

I think both of our jaws dropped to the floor when none of our anticipated scenarios came to life. What happened was better than beyond our wildest dreams. TWO beautiful beans in my belly. Both measuring 5w1d. Amazing doesn't even begin to describe what we're feeling right now.

Suddenly this pregnancy feels so much more real. Seeing our beautiful little blobs on the screen opens my heart to widths I didn't know existed. Of course it is still so very early, and so much can happen, but I can say for now, I am living in complete and utter bliss.

Thank you, Dr. Awesome, for our miracles!

Hope for the best...

2010-07-26T13:12:00.002-05:00

I always told myself that if I was lucky enough to ever get pregnant I would live in complete bliss every second of my pregnancy. Turns out that's harder said than done. While we are still over the moon that I can get pregnant and currently am pregnant, I can't shake the anxiety that this will all be gone in an instant.

My first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday morning. I'm a little confused about what to expect. I'll only be 5w2d on Thursday - too early to see a heartbeat, right? Are they just checking to make sure it's not ectopic?

I'm so thankful we were away this weekend. Being maid of honor in my friend's wedding was a great distraction. I think I even went one hour without the mandatory boob squeeze to check for soreness (which comes and goes, by the way). Now that we're back home and back in our regular routine, I have a lot more time to worry about all that can go wrong.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. That's what B keeps telling me...and we are certainly hoping for the best.

Cloud 9

2010-07-21T14:10:00.001-05:00

Thank you all so very much for the well wishes - I don't know how I could have gotten through the last year without you all. I have a hard time believing this is really happening, but I honestly can't remember a time when I've been happier. Everything was just as I'd always dreamed, the shocking voice mail message with my beta results, crying with B on the phone as I shared the news, being equally excited and scared at the same time, but so very, very happy.

There's good news. My beta doubled! I was a little worried because my betas were only 36 hours apart, not 48. I can't find that HCG chart, but I think this is good:

Hcg 13 dpIUI: 68
Hcg 15 dpIUI: 170

My first ultrasound is scheduled for July 29. Eek. I know we have a very long way to go from here, but I am going to enjoy this pregnancy for as long as I have it.

I had to do something this morning. For over three years I've taken pregnancy test after test and never seen anything other than a single line. To me, today, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

**I know I am terribly behind in my blog reading/commenting. I'm not participating in ICLW this month because I'm leaving for New York tomorrow until Sunday for my friend's wedding. I promise to check in with everyone when I'm back! So don't worry if you don't hear from me for a while :)

Several posts in one

2010-07-20T17:36:00.001-05:00

I've been slacking at blogging lately, and although I've thought up many posts, I never actually wrote any of them. One was about the amazing weekend we had with our friends in Lake Geneva. We played tennis, went boating, had a belly flop contest and laughed...a lot. Another post was about our IVF consult with Dr. Awesome yesterday and all the questions I had floating in my mind about ICSI, genetic testing, etc. Another post was an update on my brother and how he has returned from rehab a completely new person. In a very good way. Amazing, actually.

And then I got the phone call that changed everything.

I'm pregnant.

I'm scared, excited, shocked, and in complete disbelief. I go for my second beta tomorrow and while I'm scared this will all be taken away in an instant, for now I am so very, very happy. Please please please let this be it.

Thank you, Slackie O!

2010-07-15T12:13:00.002-05:00

Slackie O was kind enough to honor me with the Versatile Blogger award! I started following her quite recently and love her down-to-earth writing style. Thanks for the award, Slackie O!

Here's is how the award works:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 8 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

I feel like you all know me pretty darn well at this point, but here's seven things maybe you don't know.

1. I hate to cook. I think I might be good at it, most things turn out well that I do make (all three things), but there are a million things I'd rather be doing. My husband and I often have various activities in the evening, so it's pretty rare that the two of us even have time to sit down together. So during the week it's usually Lean Cuisine for me and pizza or mexican for him (and he is skinny as a RAIL...lucky duck) If we are home together, we'll order in or go out. Weekends we ALWAYS go out - but we're lucky to live in a great city like Chicago with endless restaurants to try.

2. I am obsessed with Tr.ue Bloo.d. I don't watch that much TV, and it's not a show I thought I'd like, but a friend of mine got me totally hooked last year. We have little viewing parties every weekend, rotating who hosts each week. It makes me sad that the season is half over already!

3. I'm scared of heights. Skyscraper? Planes? Totally fine. But put me on the top row of bleachers? My stomach drops, my palms sweat, and I start to panic. I do not do well on ski lifts. When B and I were in Capetown, South Africa, we took the scary cable car to the top of Table Mountain and I thought I was going to pass out. But for this view? Totally worth it.

4. I don't like dogs. Not to offend all you dog owners, and I assure you that I love your dog very much in small doses, but I've had some bad experiences with jumpy slobbery dogs that have scarred me for life. I'm a cat person...sorry!

5. Pool vs. Beach? Always pool. I'm not a big fan of sandy feet and I am much more comfortable sitting pool side. Except in South Africa. The beaches there are absolutely gorgeous and I wouldn't skip that for a second! Anywhere else....show me the way to the pool.

6. This is really random...Ma.rk Tw.ain had a relationship with my great great (great?) grandmother when she was 14. Twa.in wrote about her fairly extensively in his autobiography and it's assumed that the Becky Thatcher character in Tom Sawyer is her. They corresponded throughout their lives and some say she was his first and only true love. Crazy, huh?

7. Seriously, I'm at a loss. I can't think of one more thing to write. I guess I'm boring. Sorry bloggies...but feel free to ask me anything and I'll answer :)

I nominate anyone who follows my blog and hasn't yet been nominated! How's that for a cop out?!

Plans

2010-07-08T12:38:00.001-05:00

Exactly one year ago today, I had my blood drawn for the basic infertility work up. It was the first time I had EVER had blood drawn other than a finger prick - I seriously had never had anything wrong health-wise prior to IF. At the time, I think I was still in denial that I was infertile at all. Sure, we'd been off birth control for two years, but maybe because I rarely felt sad during those two years about not having a baby, I assumed it would still just happen. Of course the bloodwork came back normal, which was reassuring yet frustrating as I tried to explain to my doctor that I do not ovulate normally (7-8 day luteal phase...what?!) The Dr. was so hesitant to admit that I had an issue that it just fueled my denial. Over the next month I went through more testing, the dreaded HSG, and began to get more and more freaked out that I really was infertile. I was scared, but then I started blogging and met all you wonderful women and no longer felt so alone in my scary world.

It's one year and five Clomid cyles and 3 injectible/IUIs later, and I just booked my IVF consult with Dr. A for July 14. We decided to nix our Cape Cod trip to get started on the August 8 stim date. We have so many other trips (including work trips that are very important to my career) in September/October/November, I really want to seize the opportunity of a 4-week stretch with no travel plans. If our first IVF fails, we will take time off and probably won't revisit the RE until the new year.

It's amazing how my journey has evolved. Sometimes I still feel a little denial that this is even happening. It feels like a bad dream. I wonder where I'll be one year from today.

The end or the beginning?

2010-07-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

I had my fourth IUI today (third with injectibles), which will be my last IUI. It's strange to say that, considering we're not throwing in the towel on this whole baby-making thing quite yet. In fact, the end of IUIs feels more like a beginning as we plan to move onto IVF next month. I'm so ready for this step, but it scares me that IVF is the last stop. A beginning and an end at the same time, if that even makes sense. If IVF doesn't work, then we have some really big decisions to make. And that's scary.

I was chatting with the nurse at my RE's office this morning about the IVF schedule and coordinating with the trips B and I have planned in the upcoming months. It appears that August 22nd will be the day I start stims. As she wrote my name on the list, she said "of course now that your name is on the IVF list you'll get pregnant this cycle." God, I hope she's right.

Quick update

2010-07-03T17:11:00.001-05:00

I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend. The weather here in Chicago is absolutely gorgeous. I woke up this morning very sad that I wasn't in Wisconsin relaxing at the pool, but being in the city is proving itself to be equally lovely. Once I was back in the city after my monitoring appointment this morning in the far suburbs (more on that below), B and I went exploring and found a perfect little community pool that was so nice. Walking distance from our house and everything! There were TONS of preggos at the pool, but I just closed my eyes and basked in the sun. Then we ate organic whoopie pies at our local bakery and now we're off to dinner and then to a friend's house for outdoor games. Not bad, eh?

ANNNNNND....suddenly my 3-day weekend turned into a 4-day weekend...because we are IUI-ing on Tuesday! I decided to take the entire day off so I can head back to my newly found pool right after the IUI and spend the day relaxing. At my monitoring appointment this morning, I had a bunch of follies cooking: 17, 16, 16, 15, 13, 13, 12, 11 and small ones. My lining is 8.6mm and triple stripe and my E2 rose to 550. So I'll take one more night of my Follistim/Ganirelix combo and then trigger tomorrow. I told B NO beers at the Cubs game tomorrow so he'll be in top form for the tricky mixing/swirling involved with the trigger. He wasn't too happy, but then I reminded him that I get up early, shoot potent drugs into my body and shove pills up my lady parts and he agreed that abstaining tomorrow was only fair :)

Random ramblings

2010-07-02T09:53:00.004-05:00

It's hard to be at work today. It's absolutely gorgeous out and all I want to do is relax in the sun. Yet here I am, plugging away at the never-ending projects (and blogging).

B and I had dinner last night with the couple we went to Palm Springs with back in March. I knew they were going to start trying in May. Well she's 9 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for them, I truly am, but I just can't help the feelings of jealousy that it was so easy for them. She said her reaction to the positive test was...."What the fuck?!?!" Yeah, it was hard to hear that. It was also hard to hear her complain about eating pop tarts and easy mac for the past two months. I know they are oblivious to our issues, and her conversation would be different if she knew what we're going through, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling resentful. And I hate that.

In better news, I've been back in my early morning tennis/running routine. I slacked for a while after my accu scared the shit out of me about exercise. I've decided to trust my RE and believe that moderate exercise will not affect the outcome of all this. I am so much better at facing the day after smacking the tennis ball for an hour or two or pounding out a couple miles on the treadmill.

And, in news you probably don't care about AT ALL, it's the Wimbledon finals this weekend! I am so hoping Rafa wins today and goes on to win. Now that pesky brat Federer is back in Switzerland, I think Rafa has an awesome chance.

Happy Fourth of July weekend bloggies!

Chugging along

2010-07-01T15:01:00.000-05:00

After I talked to my mom about today's monitoring she said the oh so clichéd, slow and steady wins the race! Gee, thanks for the awesome reassurance Mom! I wish I believed this and I wish this was true...but in my current state of zen-ness, I'm going to accept it. My follies are slowly but surely growing. I have two at 13mm and five more hovering around 10mm. My lining and E2 are relatively stagnant at 6.5 and 350 respectively....this does freak me out a bit....shouldn't it be going up exponentially? These numbers are much different than my last two cycles, so I'm a bit thrown off. But I am hopeful things will continue to grow by my next monitoring appointment on Saturday.

Speaking of Saturday, B and I had planned a nice long relaxing weekend at the lake house. As soon as I started counting the days of this cycle, I realized this would not be possible, or, at a minimum, extremely stressful and complicated to try to get to the RE's office from Wisconsin. So, for the first time in many, many years, I will spend the Fourth of July in Chicago. Which is ok. We have lots of friend activities and I was lucky enough to land my company's Cu.bs tickets, which are really, really awesome seats.

So despite not being the ideal circumstances, the weekend will be good, and I'm still riding the wave of calm (I think).

Good things

2010-06-29T07:55:00.002-05:00

I don't know what's going on with me. I am SO relaxed this cycle. I barely even thought about it all weekend as I enjoyed QT with my bestie. The only reminder was the nightly injection (which I almost forgot to do!). It was so great to just enjoy the beautiful summer weekend, awesome dinners, glasses of wine on outdoor terraces, manicures, shopping, ah...bliss. I even had the pleasure of running into Egg at Starbucks on Sunday :)

Maybe knowing that IVF is next and that the success rates are much better is giving me this sense of calm. But who cares, I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts!

I went in for monitoring this morning and all is well. Last cycle I had two biggies at this point, which was disappointing. This time, I have 4-5 on each ovary that are about the same size (8-10mm). This gives me hope that we'll have more than two follies this time around. My lining is a solid 6.5mm. So everything looks good at this point. Of course I think my IUI will fall on Fourth of July (my last IUI was on Memorial Day weekend). Ha. My RE's office must loooooove me!

And, in the most awesome news of all, my brother is doing amazingly well. He's been talking to my parents regularly and has made a complete turnaround. He's so thankful to be where he is, receiving care and support, and getting ready to drastically change his life. My mom said it's like he's been brainwashed, but in a really, really good way. I just hope and pray that it sticks and once he's home he can continue his recovery, which I know will be the biggest challenge of all. I think the most promising, but also heartbreaking, thing he's said is that being in rehab has saved his life. And I believe that is the truth.

For now, I'm happy and hopeful and all kinds of good things.

Much needed

2010-06-24T09:59:00.000-05:00

My best friend in the whole world is coming to visit this weekend. Time with her is exactly what I need right now.

We met in 6^th grade. We were friendly to each other, but weren’t friends. We ran with different crowds (as much as you can ‘run with a crowd’ when you’re 12). It wasn’t until the summer after 8^th grade when our parents shipped us off to the same tennis camp that we sealed the deal. And we’ve been inseparable ever since. We've done a lot together: played doubles in high school, co-captained our tennis team, got drunk for the first time, smoked our first cigarettes (and then played tennis…real smart), cried over heartbreak, and laughed until we cried.

Our lives have taken different paths. She was the girl who was planning her wedding at age 16 and I was the girl who said I may never get married, or, at least not until I am 30! Then I got married when I was 24 and she got engaged a just few weeks ago after dating her now-fiancé for over 10 years. Funny how things work out like that, huh? I moved to Chicago, she to South Carolina. I’m a city snob who is afraid of nature, and she’s a country girl who likes camping and fishing. Our lives now could not be more different, yet somehow when we’re together, we pick up right where we left off and it feels like we were never apart.

I didn’t tell her about infertility for a looooong time. It didn’t really come up, and I didn’t want her to worry about me. I finally told her. She already knew. Yeah, she’s that kind of friend. Since then she’s been extremely supportive, maybe slightly naïve (so do you have to lie down for a few weeks after the IUI to make sure the baby stays in???), but it’s ok. I love her. And I’m so excited to spend the weekend with her.

Guess who

2010-06-22T13:55:00.002-05:00

Guess whose huge cysts were non-existent at today's ultrasound?
Mine!

Guess whose hormones were back to normal after one week of birth control?
Mine!

Guess who is starting her 3rd IUI cycle on Friday?
ME!!!!!!!!

On a more serious note, this crisis with my brother has really put things into perspective for me. I was so chill going into today's monitoring appointment. Somehow waiting a month or two to start a cycle doesn't seem like such a dire situation when someone you love is struggling for his life.

Still, I fully plan on being back to my IF-obsessed self shortly. Hopefully with just a little bit of perspective added into the mix this time.

Hope

2010-06-21T09:33:00.000-05:00

On Friday night my brother boarded a plane to Minnesota, where he was picked up by a counselor and taken to one of the best rehab facilities in the country. We were so worried he wouldn't end up there...that somewhere between the airport terminal and Minneapolis he would change his mind. But he didn't. He's there. He's safe. And he's getting help. He called on Sunday to wish my dad a happy fathers day. We all cried. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if his marriage will survive, or if he will get/stay sober. But we are hoping with everything we've got that he gets well and he's certainly taken a step in the right direction.

The situation

2010-06-16T10:07:00.000-05:00

My brother is in a really, really bad place right now. Apart from being off his anti-depressants and drinking pretty much constantly (and God knows what drugs)...his dumb ass dermatologist put him on Acc.utane. Acc.utane is a known depressant and causes erratic behavior in already depressed people. Thus, I can't take my brother's sudden determination to divorce his wife seriously. I know how much he loves her and he is irrational. What's scary, is that my parents' therapist warned them that when someone starts to push away his loved ones, it's possible that they intend to harm themselves.

Last night he told my sister-in-law he has made up his mind about divorcing her and told her to find another apartment by the end of the month. He (no surprise here) then proceeded to go on an all-night bender. I think it's likely he's been intoxicated for several days straight. This morning my sister in law found him passed out on their couch with a bloodied and bruised knee.

My brother and his wife live rent-free in an apartment my parents own. My parents are well off, but not what I would consider wealthy. In other words, the rental income they lose is not insignificant, but of course they want to help my brother while he's unemployed. So it's a bargaining tool of sorts. Basically, get help, or get out. My dad went over there this morning and gave him the ultimatum. Shockingly, he agreed. However, his stipulation is that he will only go to rehab out of state. I'm assuming this is so he can leave without my parents finding out. But what can you do to help a 32-year-old that doesn't want to help himself? Anyone dealt with this before and had success getting someone into treatment? I'm scared for him.

Update

2010-06-15T14:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for all your kind comments. They mean so much to me.

I just talked to my RE's office. Very much like Egg described, Dr. Awesome has a unique approach to cysts. He instructed me to trigger tonight and come in for a progesterone test in a week. However, there is no chance there are eggs in those cysts, and I'd have to just wait for my period to arrive in two weeks before starting again (thus thwarting my plans for an IUI before the NY wedding). I begged and pleaded to squeeze in an IUI before we leave and Dr. Awesome agreed! So it's birth control for a week and another ultrasound to see how cysties are doing. Hopefully shrunk! Oh, and my estrogen was slightly elevated and my FSH was back down to 4.4! Finally, some good news.

No news on the brother front, so I'm going to go back to being sad. But I am thankful for the little things (like *Awesome* REs) to make me feel just a bit better.

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

2010-06-15T08:57:00.000-05:00

Four cysts. Four. And they're fucking huge. Ironically, three of them are on the RIGHT side, which had no measurable follicles at trigger last cycle. W. T. F. One is so big it looks "ovulatory." Seriously?! I'm waiting to hear back from my RE, but I'm assuming I am out this month. Which, of course, totally screws up my timing for an IUI before the NY wedding. Maybe we will be moving straight to IVF after all. I'm so over this.

And, in other horrible news, my mom called me last night hysterical. My brother is pulling the same shit he did back in November. He's stopped taking his anti-depressants, going on benders, and disappearing. I talked to my sister-in-law late last night and apparently my brother wants a divorce. He's out of his mind. I can't even begin to describe the frustration and sadness when a loved one suffers from addiction. It is such a cruel disease. And why am I anxious to continue my genetic line?

I'm hoping this day can't get any worse, but I fear it will.

Sunday Blues (Updated)

2010-06-13T21:46:00.001-05:00

I wish this post was only about the lovely weekend I had with B at our lake house in Wisconsin. I wish I was telling you how blissfully unaware I am about the impending beta on Monday. I wish the weekend had ended with my heart full of hope that maybe this time it actually worked.

Unfortunately, right as we were leaving Wisconsin, the spotting began. It's over. I'll go to my beta tomorrow to confirm that I am indeed not pregnant.

I wish the weekend had ended differently, but I am thankful for the wonderful day and a half I enjoyed being outside, spending time with my family, and holding onto hope. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new beginning.

***updated***
Confirmed. Not pregnant. My beta was negative, plus my period started full flow this afternoon. I'm almost relieved for the spotting, because it prepared me for the negative and I'm not quite so disappointed today. We're starting another IUI cycle - baseline tomorrow morning.

What I'm looking forward to this weekend

2010-06-11T13:31:00.001-05:00

Seeing B who was out of town all week
Ditching Chicago for the peaceful calm of my family lake house in Wisconsin
Cancelling plans with girlfriends for a big “girls night out” and opting for tennis and relaxation at the pool instead
Not taking a pregnancy test
Being oblivious about whether I’m pregnant or not (who am I kidding…this is a total lie!...but I’ll try!)
Living in the moment and resigning to what will be will be

Hope you all have equally calming and relaxing plans for this weekend.

xoxo

Limbo

2010-06-09T10:17:00.003-05:00

10 days into the 2ww and I’m in limbo. I vacillate between guarded hope that maybe this actually worked and paralyzing fear that it will never work. My boobs ache, I have a weird pulling feeling in my ute…but I also feel like my period is going to start any second. I thought maybe I would test early this time, but I have a feeling I’m going to chicken out and wait for my beta on Monday (if I haven’t started my period).

I’m 99% sure B and I will move forward with one more injectible/IUI before moving on to IVF. I’m just not comfortable starting an IVF cycle on July 1 knowing that we’re leaving town on the 22^nd. It feels a little too close for comfort. I also think I’ve worked it out that I could start an IVF cycle on August 15 if inject/IUI #3 doesn’t work. Sure, we’ll be in Cape Cod with my parents and in-laws, but I’m pretty confident I can secretly inject each night and we’ll be back in Chicago in time for that first monitoring appointment on the 19^th. Yay. A plan. I think?

I’ve been thinking more and more about the importance of biological connection. A few weeks ago, as I held my friend’s 12-week-old baby, I thought “I could love this child as my own. I could love any child as my own. I just want one.” Obviously it is not this simple and there are a lot of factors to consider. But at the end of the day, I’m not sure how important biology is to me. Sure, I’d love to say I passed down some musical talent to my offspring, but couldn’t that be due to exposure rather than genes? I do think B and I will consider donor eggs before adoption. I feel so guilty that it’s my body letting us down. It’s my shitty ovaries that are preventing us from conceiving. Plus, donor eggs are much less expensive (the only cost we would incur is the donor compensation which is about $5,000) than adoption ($30,000???**)

Anyway, I know this post is all over the place and I’m probably getting ahead of myself. But that’s what’s on my mind.

**Thanks Baby Race for the clarification on adoption cost...see, isn't it good I'm thinking about this now?!

Happy Weekend

2010-06-04T13:58:00.001-05:00

Hi bloggies. Just checking in to say hello and to apologize for being a bad commenter. Work is a little crazy this week and the weekend will be even crazier with baby showers, orchestra concerts, French Open finals, and my favorite...dinner with Chicago bloggies!

I plan to fully catch up next week! Thanks for all the advice on the IUI / IVF decision. B and I are still mulling it over, and hopefully it won't even be necessary :) My beta is June 14.

Don't forget to root for this guy on Sunday when he plays for his 5th French Open title!

{rafa}