Every single day I think about how things could be so very different and how blessed I am to have my delicious baby girls. I thank my lucky stars more than you can imagine. Yet despite being completely over-the-moon to be where I am today, it's an adjustment.
As the girls and I trek around the city every day, I can't help but feel a little bit lonely and lost in the world. Sure, everyone smiles at me and stops me to ask Are they twins? Are they identical? Do twins run in your family? How old are they? I am so, so, so proud to be their mama, but this new role still seems so foreign. I feel like I barely know these beautiful beings, so how is it that I am their mother? How on earth can I be responsible for things so perfect and precious? Why do I deserve this while so many other still struggle? And how do I not screw it up?
I know everyone doubts their abilities as parents at times and it's ok to feel this way, but do any of you struggle with finding yourself as a mother? Perhaps this is what they call survivors guilt?
Heavens, yes. I'm sure I will have more to say about this, but the loneliness has been surprising to me. A number of people have said things like "be sure to make time for yourself", but the problem is, I don't want to. I hate to be separated from Bun Bun (except when she's shrieking at the top of her lungs), and I'm not even sure what I'd do for myself. I'm not sure who myself is. But I guess with time I'll find the new me...
ReplyDeleteI refuse to be grateful to IF, but I do imagine not being 1 million % certain that we wanted this and not being so grateful that it happened for us could make this transition harder.
Thanks for this post.
Great post. I think it's important to acknowledge that this is a huge transition to make, and that it can be hard. You'll find your way, I know you will.
ReplyDeleteI've been a mama for over a year and I still sometimes feel like a fraud. I find it helps to seek out other mamas and have play dates!
ReplyDeleteI look at my little man and think how strange it is to have him in my arms, that I am the one who grew him, and that he will be mine forever. I am not sure if it will ever "sink in" fully.
ReplyDeleteOf course. I wonder often how it is I get to parent my little girl, that somehow I won the lottery on a fluke. On a ticket I found on the ground. And I totally hear you about feeling changed, I am a new person, for better or worse! You are in the city, right? Maybe we should playdate....
ReplyDeleteI don't have any experience in this, but I truly think it's something that develops over time. I think we somehow have this idea that the new identity will just "happen" but I don't think it does.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better. I so clearly remember feeling what you're describing, and I don't know when being a mother became my normal, but it did. Eventually you won't feel guilty anymore, just thankful. That part doesn't go away.
ReplyDeleteI love this post, because I think it's honest and true--and I think nearly every new mother must feel this way... but for some reason, we're too ashamed or feel guilty to talk about it. I know I felt the same way. It took months and months before I finally felt like "me". Sure, it's a slightly new "me" now, but I can recognize the old "me" in there again now too. I mistakenly assumed that I'd feel like my old self again within a couple months of having my baby. Surely by the time my 12-week maternity leave was over, I'd feel back to normal and like I had the hang of things and like I knew who I was as a mother. Sure, things got easier and better all throughout that time, but I don't think I truly felt like "me" until baby was about 15 months old (which happened to coincide with weaning and when baby finally slept through the night consistently). You are not alone! Thank you for this post. It's an important one. :o)
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can compare it to is how I felt when I first got married. I was no longer just a girlfriend, I became a WIFE. Just as everything changes when you get married because of the new relationship so it does when you have children. It's perfectly normal to feel like you do. As time goes by and you get to know your girls more and more, you might not remember a time when you weren't their mother.
ReplyDeleteIt can be daunting. But I'm doing it and you're doing it too. In fact, you've probably already finished with some of the most challenging months already. I went through a lonely spell right around the same time but as Wes grows and becomes more interactive I find being with him a lot more fun - and the nice weather doesn't hurt either.
ReplyDeleteI felt really lonely only because I just didn't feel like I had anything in common with other moms. I also really didn't enjoy the first 3 months and then after 6 months I felt a lot better about the whole thing and I think I will carry guilt around for that forever!
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