I've been trying really hard to not let my mind go here, but I can't help it. I miss being pregnant. Which is weird considering I had a pretty textbook horrible pregnancy, from morning sickness to pre-term labor, from pre-eclampsia to endometritis. But I loved being pregnant. I have this yearning for my big belly, those baby kicks, and the absolute awe of my body doing something so miraculous. I feel crazy, but I think we will want to try for #3. Maybe it's wacky postpartum hormones at work, because I really only thought I wanted ONE child, let alone three! But I can't shake the desire to continue to grow our family.
Of course this new revelation is causing me some stress. I have terribly low AMH and likely have very little time to conceive with my own eggs. We tried "naturally" for over two years with no luck. It took a shitload of Follistim to get me to produce enough follicles for an IUI. Future IUIs are out of the question due to the chance of multiples, so we'd have to do IVF with single embryo transfers...which I reeeeeeally don't want to do. I'd like to avoid any more fertility treatments if at all possible.
So I guess we'll wait a bit and then try on our own. Maybe we'll get lucky. Maybe my body now "knows" what to do. Maybe with some time I'll realize that our family of four is complete. Maybe secondary infertility will hurt more than I can even imagine. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, let alone sharing my shamefully selfish thoughts with all of you. I worry that I sound unappreciative of the beautiful gifts I already have. But I assure you, I am very, very thankful for my beautiful girls and no matter what, my dreams have come true.
Forgive me for my silly, postpartum ramblings.
First, what a beautiful picture. I love it!
ReplyDeleteI really missed being pregnant after Liam was born-- there was something so private and sweet about having him in my belly. I didn't have to share him with anyone. After he arrived, I missed feeling him move, kick & hiccup.
We never know what the future will hold... I just went to the RE this morning for my first ultrasound with this surprise pregnancy. (Strong Heartbeat, measuring 7 weeks. YAY!)
Although our journey wasn't as long as yours, we did struggle to get pregnant with Liam, then this baby was a surprise miracle. The RE said that she sees this fairly often-- Women who struggled with infertility will have their bodies magically figure it all out after going through pregnancy. I'm not saying that it's the norm, but it does happen. (I'm proof!)
I know you're enjoying so many amazing moments with your babies now & when the time comes and you're ready, I hope you have an easy (easier?) time going from a family of four, to a family of five. XOXO.
That picture just stuns me in the best, happiest possible way. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel you on both fronts: that bizarre postpartum longing for your pregnancy and the almost unexpected longing for the next one. I tell people all the time how much I loved my pregnancy, but I think only another IFer really gets what a whole different, exceptional brand of sacred that relationship is.
It's weird to be thinking about more kids now, isn't it? I did the same thing within a few weeks of Wes being born, already planning when we could start trying again. We went through a few weeks where we really talked through all our options, including what my work situation should look like after mat leave, and as soon as we had a plan I felt able to just relax and enjoy this baby. I wonder if it's an IF thing or if "regular" moms feel this way too?
ReplyDeleteBTW, I bet you'll soon master nursing both girls at once. :)
I don't think anyone can blame you for longing for another pregnancy and child. You've had a taste and you want more. Most women (I think) probably start thinking about the next baby pretty early on as we all have ideas of how far apart in age we'd like our children. I hope that when/if you decide to try for another that your body remembers what it's supposed to do and that you don't have to struggle for what you want. And I love that picture!
ReplyDeleteThat picture is so sweet! :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, A. I know what you mean....I miss the kicks, I miss the belly, I miss the miracle of pregnancy. And we went thru a lot of the same crap so we both know it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.
ReplyDeleteWe definitely want a third someday, too. Tho right now, with our every-2-hour feedings, I know we wouldn't try right away. :) We are so so so hoping pregnancy sorted out my hormones and someday I will ovulate on my own, but who knows. Since we probably will be moving next summer, and to a state where we won't have IF coverage, it's definitely on my mind that if we DO want a third, we'd want to start treatment in a year. How f-ing crazy is that?
Thank you for admitting all of this. It's definitely on my mind, too. PRegnancy was such a sacred, amazing, miraculous experience. We are so blessed! xoxo
Your girls are just beautiful. I've been lurking for a while, since before you became pregnant.
ReplyDeleteAs for missing pregnancy... I struggled to conceive my first son and desperately missed being pregnant in the first weeks after he was born. It did subside for a few months but never went away. I truly loved every minute of pregnancy. We got pregnant again, sort of by accident, when he was 15 months old. When my second son was born (just days after my first son's 2nd birthday!) I immediately missed pregnancy again! There is something so magical and wonderful about that huge belly. Boy #2 is 9 months old now and the baby bug is coming back again. I'm not sure if we will try, but I definitely have the urge!
Your family is absolutely beautiful! And don't apologize for airing your feelings on this blog... this is your house and you say what you want here. I am nearly 36 weeks pregnant with a singleton and I've already talked to my dr about how we go about number 2 and I haven't even had number 1 yet.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you :)
Honey, I still think about more kids, and we know that's pretty damn impossible... But I still think... and long... and wonder.
ReplyDeleteLove that pic- you look so happy!
I love that picture - so sweet!
ReplyDeleteLOVE the picture, that is so beautiful. It's your blog, and your right to say/feel whatever you want about more babies!!
ReplyDeleteI haven't even gotten pregnant with the first one, and the thought of doing this all over again totally freaks me out, but I think about it all.the.time! I hope your pregnancy with the girls hit some sort of reset button and your body will get its act together when your ready to try again!
ReplyDeleteLove the photo of you and your sweet girls <3
ReplyDeleteI can understand these feelings for sure, I'm not there yet, but I can imagine yearning for this magical time even when you can cuddle and hug ultimate end goal. And i'm already thinking about number two and possible avenues to get there...I guess with our issue the good thing is we can TTC w/o help and it's possible (though not likely).
I can completely understand those feelings. Don't apologize for wanting even more happiness...it's exciting actually. I wish you nothing but luck!
ReplyDeleteMy son will be a year old on the 15th and I STILL MISS BEING PREGNANT!!!
ReplyDeleteaww that is such a sweet picture!! BFing twins is really really difficult! i feel bad for having an inadequate supply. i just hope it goes up in a couple weeks. and i'm totally jealous of the twin moms who have two good nursers. i dream of the day i will be able to just put the girls on the brest friend and take a nap
ReplyDeleteyah that picture is really precious! i imagine i will miss it, too, so i dont think your feelings are off base at all!
ReplyDeleteI love the picture! And I totally understand your feelings. We want to expand our family and some days I really miss being pregnant. But I am just not ready to do IVF again. I think your feelings are totally normal.
ReplyDeleteI've heard a lot of women have this strong longing to be pregnant again soon after giving birth. It seems kind of illogical, but maybe it's nature's way of ensuring you forget the bad parts? Which is not to say I think you're just being hormonal or anything--I totally anticipate feeling the same way. This experience really is the most miraculous thing, and so very sweet. I hope your system gets magically kick started--it does happen! In the meantime, snuggling with two gorgeous girls like that seems like a fine way to pass the time until you can try for another!
ReplyDeletelove the picture!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy baby is 2.5 months old and I want another one NOW!! We have 6 embryos left and I want to give them all a chance at life!
I 100% miss being pregnant as well...and my pregnancy was horrible. totally get it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that picture melts my heart. We must have some twin playdates!
I don't think it's weird to feel the way you do. I already wonder about how we'll handle going for baby 2, and we're not even slightly close to bringing baby 1 into the world. But when you know it's not easy, that luck and science enter into it, and that it can take a long time, I think it's natural to think ahead more. I wish we could all be like so many women I know, who just decide that when they want to have a baby, they'll go off birth control and it will happen. But at least we do understand what a precious, miraculous gift pregnancy is.
ReplyDeleteOh my...a most adorable and precious photo of you and the babies. I love it. Honestly, I think it's only natural for us to think, "What about the next one?" even if we're currently pregnant or just had one (or two). I'm already thinking about when we'll do our FET--what will my RE suggest in terms of how many to transfer, etc. It's totally understandable how you're feeling. xo
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