Shit. More tears. For the non-crier that I am, I’m a faucet these days. At work, no less.
My cycle is going fine. I have two nice follies growing away at 15mm and a *beautiful* (ultrasound tech’s words) 8.5mm triple stripe lining. I go back on Friday for more monitoring and probably trigger that night and IUI on Sunday. And I don’t even care.
It's the other stuff. My friend lost her son after a pre-term delivery at 25 weeks. The memorial service took place last night and it was beautiful – the words spoken about the intense joy their son brought to their lives in the short time they had with him was powerful. But their grief is understandably immeasurable. One of the readers quoted Alfred Lord Tennyson, a phrase I often find myself thinking about:
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
My little infertile heart almost burst.
I’m feeling more distracted and disconnected than ever. A friend of mine sent me an “are you okay?” email this morning. I guess I am no longer so good at hiding my fear and anxiety. I responded with a fairly generic “B and I are going through a rough spot” so she’ll either figure it out or think B and I are headed for divorce. I seriously need to think about coming clean to my friends. For real.
((((((GIANT HUGE HUGS))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your friend's loss - it hits home to all of us. Maybe it is time to open up to a few IRL people for some additional support.
(((((More HUGS))))))
Even though you don't care so much right now, I am so glad your cycle is going well.
ReplyDeleteGIANT, enormous (((hugs))) to you. Your friend's loss is unimaginable.
What a terrible loss for your friends. I can't even imagine the grief they must be feeling.
ReplyDeleteI have been contemplating giving out my blog address to one of my friends. I feel a strong disconnect with her because she's also TTC and I feel like I'm in a race that...that really I'm watching from the sidelines. I can't bring myself to express what I've been going through, so I thought giving her a glimpse into my life might be a good thing. Anyway, I had given it a lot of thought, but I got a less than desirable response from DH when I mentioned it to him, so now I'm not so sure. *sigh*
Best wishes figuring things out. I sympathize with you.
((((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteWhat a tragedy. I can't imagine what your friend is going through. Sending many good thoughts her way.
As for coming clean, it feels good. Very good. But just be ready for the few people who won't react the way you want them to. It took me a long time to accept that.
Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry about your friends' loss. How awful.
ReplyDeleteI think it might be a good idea to tell a friend that you trust. It might help to get some support from someone who is good at empathizing.
I'm really glad your cycle is going well too.
Oh how painful. I'm so sorry for your friend's grief, and for yours too. Being open about my loss and frustrations has been really important for me. People don't always give me the support I need, but if they know what I'm going through at least we can work toward that together.
ReplyDeleteAnd yay for the news on your cycle so far! It sounds so promising.
My heart is breaking for your friend's loss. That's just horrible:(
ReplyDeleteComing out is a big decision, and to whom is even a bigger one. I was very afraid of it at first, but found it very therapeutic to share details with some of my friends. It's great to have somebody at reach, who understands when and why I am hurt so bad sometimes.
It helps me a lot to cope. Hope, you can find such IRL support!
Fingers crossed for your beautiful lining and follies! will be cheering for your IUI.
What a horrible loss for your friend. I can't imagine.
ReplyDeleteComing out to my friends was tough, but in the long run, it's saved a lot of heartache. Now, if only I could come out to my family.
ICLW
http://just-two-lines-away.blogspot.com
So sorry to hear about your friend's loss. Truly heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too afraid to open up to friends, especially ones who reach out first. She knows something isn't right. My thing is if you tell a friend and they don't act like they care then they probably don't get it and how can I blame them for not understanding something that they aren't experiencing and just plain isn't really addressed out in the open. Some people will be very sympathetic and that can help immensely! Good luck!
Glad your cycle is going well..wishing you the very best with it..
ReplyDeleteAnd i'm sorry your friends had to go through that..i like the Lord Tennyson's quote...
My heart aches for the loss your friend has just experienced. I am so sorry that you are struggling. I think "loss" often makes us numb etc as a means to protect us from further pain. At least that has been my experience. I am hopeful that you will begin to feel better in coming days and find some peace. On the up side, your follies and lining sound perfect so I am hopeful this is the one. :) Both you and your friends will be in my prayers today. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteMy heart is just breaking for your friend, I can't even imagine that kind of pain. And opening up is a big decision. I told a few of my very close friends and turned out to be a really positive thing for me, helps that they've been supportive in all the right ways though. I did feel like this huge weight had been lifted and instantly felt less distant.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so happy this cycle is moving along so well, I'm super hopeful for you A and am totally rooting for you!!
Oh that's terrible about your friend. Such a tragedy.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely consider opening up to your close friends. It's a tough decision to make that plunge, but it can definitely be worth it in the end!
That quote is a tearjerker for me as well. It might not be a bad idea to open up IRL. Though infertility is often a very private thing, I've found that I need the support of understanding people to help get me through when I'm cycling. I've never regretting telling people what we're going through (though that doesn't mean I don't regret the retarded responses some people hand out, however.)
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and to your friends in their time of need. Keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle turns out way better than you think it will!
I just want to crawl through the computer screen, give you a big hug, and make all the pain go away. Literally!!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just can't believe the horrible s%&t that goes down. So much suffering! WHY!?!?
ReplyDeleteI hope you can choose one or two friends who you think are most likely to understand and let them in a little. Much as we love you, most of us can't give you a hug. Or a DRINK.
If your friends are the type who can be sensitive and relied upon to be discreet, I highly recommend letting them know what is going on. Support from my friends, even those who have no clue about IF, has helped me tremendously during all the crap I've dealt with related to TTC.
ReplyDeleteWe need all the support we can get on this road. . .
ICLW
I am so sorry for your friend's loss. It's wonderful that she has you in her life to support her.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on Saturday.
ICLW
((HUGS)) I'm so sorry for your friend. That's so horrible. =( I can imagine you'd be a mess after that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your friends who know you well know something is up and are probably just waiting for you to be ready to tell them. I hope they're supportive when you do. Good luck with your IUI!
Sending you huge hugs! Your friend's loss is just heartbreaking. I hope that you can start feeling better soon. It's so great that she has you to support her.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your having such a hard time. It's not helping that you have drugs and hormones going through you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh A, what a heartbreaking thing for your friend to be going through; and of course very difficult for you too because it would naturally bring up lots of IF emotions.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the email from your friend - I think you should open up, even if it's just a little. You don't need to talk about the details but if it's a friend you trust who cares about you I think they'll be much more understanding if they have an inkling what's going on.
What an emotional nightmare. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. Hopefully you'll find a friend who can offer some understanding...
ReplyDeleteActually, what I said was by ee cummings:
ReplyDeletei carry your heart with me (
i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
And honestly, we loved this baby before he got here- just like you already love the baby you'll have. Even though we only got to be with him for 5 days, we felt like we knew him longer because we had loved him so long.
xoxo
Some days all of the IF emotions just boil over. Thinking of you and hoping for some relief.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your friends' heartbreaking loss.
Yes...your friend's loss does hit home. There's a verse in the Bible that understands that at these times, we "mourn with those who mourn." I think that one thing I've learned from this amazing Blog community is that....women, while suffering their own losses and even their own gains, pluses, and happy news, will mourn with those who need comfort. On the flip side, it says to "rejoice with those who rejoice." So with that...I rejoice with you on your progressing cycle! =)
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts even thinking about what your friend is enduring.
ReplyDeleteI think you might feel better telling a few friends. I'm considering telling my biking/running buddy. I've been blowing off her offers to get together this summer and I'm expecting an email like the one you got any day now....I'm just so private about this stuff...
I'm so very happy you're kicking ass with this cycle (go triple stripe fluffy lining! go follies!). Can't wait to hear how monitoring went today.
I'm so sorry for your friends' loss. I can't even fathom the pain they must be in. Sending (((Hugs))) to them.
ReplyDeleteAs for you, your cycle sounds like it's going great. I'm very pleased with your monitoring report...as I'm sure you can't wait to hear what I think about it. :-)
I think it might be a good thing for you to confide in someone about your struggles. I don't know your friends so I don't know how they will take it and it can be a very tough thing to do. So many times friends mean well but end up giving assvice or they try to pretend that nothing is happening. But it seems like you might have some people in your life that may understand and so it might help you a little to talk about it. It's a hard decision to come out of the IF closet so whatever you decide to do, I wish nothing but good things for you.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend's loss and its inevitable impact on you. Unimaginable.
ReplyDeleteBut your cycle is going amazing so as hard as it is to be happy right now, maybe you will be in a couple weeks.
I have endometrium envy, are you doing acupuncture too?
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. The quote brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteAs for coming clean, I'm trying (ha) to be fairly open about our struggles, but a shocking number of people so far have failed to grasp that this is actually a problem, a painful situation. But there are some good ones, too. Hope you'll find lots of those.
I imagine that losing a child you have just given life is excruciating. I wish I had more faith that it is all part of Gods's plan. Instead, this only separates me more from religious faith.
ReplyDeleteI know that you are in shock, trying to take in the devastating effect of your friend's loss. It's the end of a life, without a beginning. It's absolutely horrible that they have had to go throught that and will have to live with the loss of their baby forever.
However, pain is relative and the degree of pain they are in does not minimize your own. You are still entitled to your own feelings about your infertility, and the compassion of others. Don't forget to take care of yourself, even while caring for your friends.
Lisa ICLW 77 yourgreatlife
What a devastating loss for your friend and all those who love her. I'm so sorry and can understand why you're feeling "detached" from everything right now.
ReplyDeleteThe friend thing is so, so hard. In my experience, "coming clean" is somewhat cathartic. It feels good just to let it out. But, the pain is still there and not all who you tell will react that way you want. I think that's ok, as long as you're prepared for that. I still felt better after finally sharing.
Coming clean is a hard thing. In my experience I always feel much much better after getting whatever I'm hiding out in the open. It is always such a relief. That said, I still haven't told everyone about IF, but I've thought about it. I've felt better each time I tell a friend. Not all have reacted very nicely (one in fact ignored completly what I said and refuses to acknowledge I said anything), but I still feel better for having told them.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some peace and come to a decision that works for you.