When I saw the comment that compared fertility treatment to plastic surgery I lost it.
After reading this article and naively reading through every hurtful comment, I realized for the first time that there is a big gaping hole in public knowledge of infertility. I was so upset by the insensitive, uneducated comments telling me to “just” adopt or to “get over it.” It’s amazing how so many people with such little knowledge feel entitled to judge and attack those faced with infertility.
As I read through other blogs, I see women and men from all backgrounds, all stages of life, all religions, all over the world dealing with infertility. Everyone has a different path on this journey, and there is so much good information and perspective on these paths. I am so thankful for the bloggers out there who have offered support and advice and have consoled some of the pain of infertility. It is truly amazing.
I just wish the rest of the world understood how much infertility hurts before judging the choices we make, yet some of the best information is hidden away on people's blogs that most people only find when faced with their own infertility battle.
Outside of the blogging world, most mainstream media have a skewed and unrealistic perspective on infertility. It must be difficult not to judge when there are articles screaming at you like those in the New York Times. To the average fertile person, we look like freaks who are so desperate to have a child that we will do anything. You and I both know this is far from the truth. Using Nadya Suleman as an example of the repercussions of fertility treatment is a scare tactic and not helpful to anyone.
So I have been thinking. What is the point of an anonymous blog and private journey through infertility if I’m going to be upset about the misinformation out there? Maybe if Stephanie Saul had gone through infertility, or people close to her had shared their journey, she wouldn’t be so quick to judge fertility treatments and accuse women of putting themselves and their children at undue risk. Maybe if I were more open about my own struggle, people around me would understand and realize the need for changes to the health care system to improve fertility treatments and minimize the negative impacts of some of those treatments.
It's definitely weighing on my mind. Can I participate outside of the IF world to help other understand some of the emotions and countless decisions that we face when conceiving is a challenge?
For now, no. I'm not yet brave enough. I hope to have more courage in the future, and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later now that my eyes have opened to the need for us to speak out.
**Mel at Stirrup Queens has some really good perspective on this article here
***I realize the NY Times article was published over a week ago, but I didn't read it until I read about it on Stirrup Queens this morning. Guess I got behind while on vacation last weekend...
I wish people really GOT IT. Maybe then they'd stop comparing it so callously and would see it for the actual illness that it is.
ReplyDeleteYah, it is crazy how it's viewed by people who aren't walking this road...
ReplyDeleteWow.. I wasn't going to read this article.. I didn't want to get angry. I read it and .. oh.my.god. The plastic surgery and adoption comments.. I need to take my blood pressure medicine right now. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post!! I, too, have considered opening up my blog to friends but it is just so...private. :) But you make a great point about it! I do seek to be open IRL, and all of our friends know about our struggle. However, I think they would learn so much more through reading my blog...
ReplyDeleteI missed the post from Mel at Stirrup Queens, I'm glad you posted about the article as well.
ReplyDeleteI had to stop reading the comments after I read that fertility treatments is a "lifestyle expenditure" and one that said ppl going through IVF only want to make a baby and not be a parent b/c they've spent all their money on making the child. That's ridiculous and hurtful.
It's so hard to share the IF journey with people, esp those that aren't sympathetic. I've found great support from my sister and I sent her my blog link so she can read along. And she gets it. I wish I had the courage to talk about it more as well. I've tried - most of the time, I get the canned "just relax" comments and people don't seem interested in knowing more about what I'm going through. Ignorance is bliss for them. If I had more strength, I would keep trying to talk about it. But it's so hard getting back no support in return.
This is a great entry. I don't think I am brave enough either. It would be neat if one of us did get into public health or the health care field and could talk more about what really goes on.
ReplyDeleteGood post.
ReplyDeleteI have not been totally private about our IF, but neither have I been totally open about it. A while back, I discussed with a fellow friend of mine who has IF why it is that people find it hard to talk about. We arrived at a few conclusions: most people have never experienced this firsthand; it involves talking about sex, at least in a tangential way; and people are uninformed on the subject.
Prior to our own struggles with TTC, I have to admit that I was as ignorant and insensitive as most people.
Hope you get that elusive BFP soon.
ICLW
I won't read the article, I'm sure it would piss me off too much.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I started my blog to break out of the "this is too private to talk about" cycle. I put my name and my face up there to show people that it's normal people who are going through these issues. I still haven't told many family and friends (that's a bit more complicated), but I certainly want to try to bring some of these infertility issues to light with the general public.
When I first started my blog, part of me was worried that someone in my life would come across my blog before hearing about the infertility issues from me. But that would mean that they had to have been searching for infertility search terms on the internet, and that means that they have already been dealing with the issue themselves. So, I figured, why not put my face and my name out there (first name only, though). I am a real person and this is a real problem.
Great post. I wish I was brave enough to put it out there for everyone to see, but part of me is ashamed at the fact that I feel like a failure at this most basic part of human life. I really wish that Stephanie Saul had gone through infertility in some ways. then maybe she could understand exactly how hurtful her words are to those of us suffering through this.
ReplyDeleteThat's such a good post!
ReplyDeleteI am also very private about it. I really don't know why. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed, but I do know that most people are uninformed about infertility, which can lead to some stupid comments. I also don't want people to feel sorry for me, and I know they wouldn't know what to say. I didn't tell very many people when I got divorced, either, so maybe I'm just a private person.
I do keep my blog anonymous for other reasons, though. I have friends and family who may say or do hurtful things, and I don't necessarily want them reading about it. :) I know there's an opportunity for education there, but some people just don't get it. The other issue is work. I don't really want my coworkers and potential employers to know that I am REALLY trying to get pregnant. They might expect that I would want children, but they don't need to know what I'm doing to get there.
Hi, I'm here for ICWL....your post is right on the money...especially about our private struggles. There are many issues over the years that have gotten much more attention because people are finally coming out and talking about it...different kinds of cancer, physical abuse, the killing of sharks for goodness sake...why not infertility? We need more research and more answers. Where is our celebrity packed rally?? But instead, most of us suffer in (virtual) silence. I started to read the article and I was upset enough that I stopped reading it. Again, good post and very well said.
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I know I could do a better job of education people but I refuse to talk about it because I usually end up crying. I will try to work on being better because it is really misunderstood out there.
ReplyDeleteICLW
For me the first step was to talk about it with the people closest to me. To help them understand it is a bigger issue than the Octomoms and Gosselins in this world. It started by talking to our families, then friends... now I feel comfortable talking to just about anyone about it. It's amazing how many stories come out when the conversation is begun.
ReplyDeleteStart small... every story needs to be told.
ICLW
I am semi-anonymous on my blog, but I'm pretty open about our infertility in real life. All of our friends that we talk to regularly, and our immediate family, are aware of what we are going through. We answer a lot of questions. I am happy to do my part to help educate.
ReplyDeleteI used to work for a state senator who is openly gay. I worked for him through the attempts to pass a constitutional amendment in our state to ban gay marriage. As the only openly gay senator, he was the face of the opposition. At the same time, his partner was a resident of CA when gay marriage was legalized there. They were under pressure to get married in CA and come back to our state and challenge the status quo. He was not interested in being a poster child for the cause in that way. In some ways, I feel similarly about educating people on IF. I live my infertile life openly, but quietly. In many ways I think it's more powerful to quietly lead by example.
I wish that more people would talk about IF a little bit as opposed to these isolated big splashes that the topic seems to get now.
ICLW
It took me quite awhile to be open to opening up about our IF journey. Very few people IRL knew about it until I started sharing about it on my blog. Those first weeks, I kind of got on my soap box about my pet peeves in relation to IF. I've had people say to me that they're glad I shared that, because, as a fertile person, they had never even thought about how some of the things they say come across to those of us who aren't fertile myrtles!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, all that to say, if you think you'd find more support and clear up some misunderstandings by being more open, do it! We're all in this together!
You are making a difference just by having this blog and participating in a place where other bloggers can find you. The message that the media sends about us in the if world is pretty bad. I watched a prime time show, crim.inal minds last night and was horrified. I plan on blogging about it. the gist is that a woman had cancer and coudl not conceive so she and her husband kidnapped young women, impregnanted them to get a baby. ugh.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Here from the Stirrup Queen's Friday roundup. Great post. I am a fairly private person & while I think most people who are close to us know that we wanted children & haven't had any (beyond one stillborn daughter), they don't really know the details of how we got to this place in our lives. I've always hated that not-so-subtle pressure from family & friends to have kids (& if not, why not??). I've never felt that how, when, whether & why we have children is anyone's business but ours. I debate being more open/public, and I think it's true that the more people have a personal connection to an issue like infertility or pregnancy loss (or gay marriage or cancer, etc. etc.), the more aware & sympathetic they are to the cause. However, it is tiring battling the ignorance out there (well meaning & otherwise).
ReplyDeleteBesides which, I use my blog as a place to vent, so I'm not sure I want the people I know reading about it, since they might find themselves in it! lol
Here from the Stirrup Queens Friday round-up. While we haven't been private about our struggles (I'm all about education) sometimes I wish we had. It's a tough line to walk and you quickly find out which friends are really supportive and which friends will never ever get it. I started my blog in order to keep in touch with a handful of fellow ex-FF'ers and I've been slowly opening up over the past few months to the infertility world. Like Loribeth's comment above, I don't think I want my fertile friends or my husband to read some of my rants! They won't get it. Well, I generally rant the same stuff to my husband anyway - he doesn't need a double dose. ;-)
ReplyDeleteComing over from Mel's blog roundup. This is great. So true and very well said.
ReplyDeleteReally an awesome post! I can't fully explain why I'm not anonymous on my blog or why I don't mind sharing bits and pieces of our IF journey with people IRL. However, it just is what feels comfortable to me. Keeping it in would cause me much more discomfort at this point. And, I've learned that people really will surprise me and offer support when given the opportunity (though, there's always the one bad apple in every crowd).
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to write a blog post about all of that, too, so thanks for the reminder...I'll be linking back to your thought-provoking post!
here by way of Mel.
ReplyDeletethis is an incredible post and a question I am glad you are asking yourself.
From the very beginning of our journey through IF I was very forthright with EVERYONE (not that everyone wanted it that way) but I found that holding it in was more harmful than not. I am a "talker" so maybe that's the difference, but I always say that when people can get Info from a credible source, or I have talked to them in a Wal Mart line and told them more than they ever wanted to know about how to get PG or why some women don't, I do walk away like I helped one of my fellow IF sisters. I might be a mom now, but I am always going to be IF. It's something that I don't want any of us to be ashamed of, I want a cure, an answer, a better way for us to get to the family we desire.
GREAT post!!!!
I don't blog about our IF, but I am pretty open about it IRL - except in one important aspect: work. I haven't told them anything, and sometimes it bugs me to have to evade, if not lie, about what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI came over from SQ.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally "out" retrospectively (open about the treatments involved in conceiving our son) but totally "in" about what I'm going through trying to conceive another. It's not even that I mind people knowing, exactly, I just don't want to have to provide updates (no, still not pregnant; no, still not cycling; no ... you get the idea).
But honestly ... no one's that interested in what we *did* so it might be better to be out about what we're *doing*. I still understand and feel the weight of the failed and canceled cycles (not as much, but I haven't forgotten, at all), but I'm not so sure anyone who didn't live through it can get it. If I shared my current struggle ... you know, the real-time version ... maybe that would be more educational.
I'm still not up for it, though.
maybe you're right we all have a responsibility to increase public knowledge. If you think back tot he eighties no one knew about HIV & AIDS until famous people started to admit to being infected. Them coming out helped the world to realise the devastation of the disease and start to address it. I wish I was brave enough to come out and help get the world on board that IF treatment is not like plastic surgery, it is not driven by vanity or self-centered-ness, but rather by the very overwhelming desire to share more of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteGood One..Keep Posting
ReplyDeleteJack
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Popped in from the crème de la crème list.
ReplyDeleteThoughtprovoking post. I'm very private about our struggles and don't intend to change that to educate the masses.
Are people less judgemental against overweight people because they know who they are? Because everyone knows someone who is overweight?